Aesthetic Horoscopes: The Signs as Rihanna Accessorizing With Wine
For Leos, the lipstick *and* the dress match the wine.
Jul 3 2018, 9:31pm
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Rihanna, by most metrics, is the most interesting person in the world. Yeah, she’s responsible for the pop anthem of your awkward middle school dances, but she also was named Humanitarian of the Year by Harvard University last year; she met with French president Emmanuel Macron to discuss education, while wearing the power shoulder of all power shoulders; and according to an anonymous source quoted in MediaTakeOut News, she broke up with her billionaire boyfriend because she “gets tired of men sometimes.”
As MTV social media manager Josh Edwards pointed out in a virtuosic 2016 Twitter thread, she also has something like diplomatic immunity for taking a glass of wine to-go from a restaurant, sipping nonchalantly as she strolls down the sidewalk. In fact, this happens so often, with so many different outfits, that there’s a Rihanna-accessorizing-with-wine photo for just about every sign of the zodiac. Courtney Perkins of @NotAllGeminis explains.
Aries, you are Rihanna snatching a nice, full-bodied red to brave a snow storm. Aries is fearless, daring, and plucky, just like Rihanna’s attitude towards this weather. Let a blizzard stop me from wearing these difficult heels? From continuing on to the next party? From getting drunk in the street? No, no, no. Aries grabs the puffy jacket and leaves with an entourage.
Bonus points: Rihanna has her moon, ascendant, and Venus in Aries, and it is her most dominant planet! She bring the Aries attitude everywhere!
Taurus is cozy, grounded, and enjoys the finer things in life. Drinking champagne in a soft baseball t-shirt is the natural Rihanna of choice for this snuggly earth sign. This look is perfect for nights watching the Bachelorette and getting buzzed on the couch.
Gemini is a multitasker. Quick-witted and curious, a Gemini’s mind is never on just one thing. Therefore, Gemini is represented by Rihanna drinking wine while also signing autographs. Does she need her left hand to hold down the page, maybe to add some stability to the act of writing? Eh, nope. The vino is more important. They don’t care about stability anyways.
Cancers are known for being protective, possessive, and very loyal to their inner circle. In this look, we see Rihanna clutching her wine and her purse close to her while trailed by her longtime best friend, Melissa Forde. Those hands could be pincers! This stance is giving off the Cancer vibe of wanting to go home and hang out with people who know her as Robyn and not Rihanna.
First of all, this is A Look. Leos care about presentation, and Rihanna is clearly stepping out to impress with this fab outfit. Secondly, Leos see themselves as royalty, and this bow is truly shaping up to look like a crown. This outfit was made for Leo-worthy bathroom mirror pictures, and this wine is perfectly color-coordinated for the occasion.
Virgos aim for perfection, and Rihanna does not slip! Here we have Rihanna checking to make sure that this drink has had no impact on her impeccable striped ensemble. Red lips matched to red nails matched to red wine? This look is classy, comprehensive, and detail oriented, just like a Virgo.
Libra is a lover, ruled by the planet Venus. This romantic look says, “Fall in love with me!” while Rihanna’s eyes translate the ultimate air-sign code of “Don’t fuck with me!” A Libra pampers themselves whenever possible, and is arguably the most likely in the zodiac to own pink, silk pajamas, but exclusively wear them with heels.
Scorpios are known for their intensity, which is why they get an upgrade from your aunt’s Pinot Grigio to hard liquor. These personalities come on strong, and demand to be noticed. Scorpios are represented by Rihanna decked out in a dark, slick look taking her whiskey for a stroll.
Sagittarius is always on the go, hunting for future opportunities, higher knowledge, and more exciting options. Naturally, they need shoes that they can dance in, move in, run away in. Oh, and leave the glasses behind. We need the whole bottle for the next party we’re attending. If you can’t chug wine from the bottle, you’re not adventurous enough to be a Sagittarius’s friend.
Capricorns are defined by their elegance, class, and maturity at all times. Here we see Rihanna in a Balenciaga summer fur, walking the streets of Prague with an elegant glass of white wine. Her sleek sunglasses and excellent posture convey the alpha attitude of Capricorn, a cardinal sign known for leadership skills.
Aquarians are known for their originality, disdain towards convention, and opinionated attitudes. Rihanna’s bold lip color and tough leather jacket convey the rebellious Aquarian mindset. Yet, Aquarius can also be emotionally distant, and the look on Rihanna’s face here is clearly saying, “Done explaining myself to y’all, bye bitch!”
Ah, Rihanna. Our Pisces queen. At the end of the day, we must recognize that as amazing as this goddess looks with a glass of wine in her hand, her most iconic accessory has always been a blunt. Just look at this dreamy, creative angel on vacation in Hawaii. She deserves this. Pisces is sensitive, artistic, and an escapist, and our babe just wants to lose herself to her senses. It brings us the bangers we loved on ANTI and the adorable Instagram Live videos we crave. Rihanna, we love you with every accessory.