Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as Meryl Streep Movies

Aries: Florence Foster Jenkins

Florence Foster Jenkins will make your Aries heart sing! It’s the tale of a wealthy New York woman who dreams of becoming an opera singer, but lacks the talent. She doesn’t lack the bravery to try though! She takes lessons! She does a concert! She’s mocked, but she’s plucky! Music is her life, her passion! Aries understands passion. Life blood. What it’s like to have a fire within you. Aries says, fuck the haters, I’m singing at Carnegie Hall! I’m rich and I can, bitch!! "People may say I can't sing, but no one can ever say I didn't sing."

Taurus: Bridges Of Madison County

I know what you’re thinking - a Clint Eastwood movie? In 2019? But this isn’t a weird boner-for-war movie! Meryl plays a sexy Italian woman with a secret! Bridges of Madison County is a love story about an affair between a woman who moved to Iowa to marry her soldier husband after World War II, only to find herself bored by rural life, and a traveling National Geographic photographer. Ultimately, she stays with her husband for the sake of her children, but remembers the affair for her whole life, and requests that her ashes be spread with his, rather than her husband’s. The Taurus aspect: this movie is filled with raw sensuality! Steamy sex scenes! Questions of whether to pursue passionate love, or remain committed and stuck in your ways! Is it better to be solid and reliable, or a loving, receptive human body with real emotional needs? In the opening of the film, Meryl’s character leaves a note for her children explaining the affair from decades past, and says that after all this time, she’s lost her fear and just wants to be known. The Taurus desire for authenticity prevails!

Gemini: It’s Complicated

You know that thing when you break up and then you start hooking up with your ex and things get messy because it turns out he remarried and your kids are being super weird about it but Steve Martin is actually very understanding? That’s It’s Complicated! And it’s a damn delight! Geminis love an entanglement! A messy drama! A hullabaloo that involves a lot of people and miscommunications and keeping track of who knows what at what time! To be completely honest? It feels like a juicy Mercury Retrograde masterpiece ripe for the excitable Gemini mind, complete with cheating with your ex and accidentally flashing your new bae over FaceTime. Chef’s kiss to Meryl’s rom-com!

Cancer: Big Little Lies

For what it’s worth: pretty much every character Meryl plays feels like her true sign, Cancer. I’ve been binging Meryl movies for a few weeks now trying to write this article, and I can say that all of her little microexpressions, facial movements, the times she casts her eyes away while listening to someone else so the audience knows she’s thinking deeply… it’s all very Cancerian. And who could convey emotion better than a Cancer?

Still, when it comes to what Meryl content Cancers themselves should watch? Big Little Lies. *Bill Hader voice* This one’s got everything: secrets, stormy skies, shots of a moody Nicole Kidman gazing into a menacing ocean, artistic framing, therapy, fraught relationships, make-up sex, pent-up tensions. Cancer, it’s your brooding, watery dream. Cue Mary Louise scream.

Leo: Julie and Julia

Leo, like you, this is a smiler! It’s just a smiley one! It’s a feel good movie about parallel true stories of Julia Child as an American woman attending the otherwise entirely male Cordon Bleu cooking school in Paris in the 1950s, and Julie Powell trying to cook and blog her way through Child’s recipe book in 2006. Hijinks ensue! The patriarchy is challenged! Food is spilled! Both protagonists take on daunting challenges, and a key theme is that you must believe in yourself first. This is also thematically relevant to the sign Leo - a zodiac sign filled with a natural confidence and star power, that still needs a bit of reassurance from time to time. Leo is brave, always up to the task, and wants to be the person to overcome the odds. Bonus points: Julia Child herself is a Leo!

Virgo: Fantastic Mr. Fox

Virgo, your Meryl Movie of choice is Fantastic Mr. Fox! With your eye for detail? You’re gonna love all of the care that went into Wes Anderson’s first animated movie. Meryl plays the wise, caring matriarch Mrs. Felicity Fox, who says Virgo-like things like “If what I think is happening, it better not be.” Virgo’s modesty and respectability comes across in the way swear words are replaced with the word “cuss”. Virgo’s wit and sarcasm shines, as this is one of Meryl’s funniest movies!

Honorable mention: Adaptation

Libra: Kramer vs. Kramer

Libra, this movie is kind of your heaven and your hell, but hey, you always like balance. Kramer vs. Kramer is a fairly simple story of divorce (uncoupling = *Libra dread intensifies*), but it’s incredibly well acted and executed. Co-starring Dustin Hoffman, it documents the messy custody battle that follows Meryl leaving her husband and child. Libra, you’re going to love (hate) the mindfuck of understanding all sides of the story. The movie does a great job of illuminating both parents’ successes and failings. It feels like your Libra friend sitting you down and explaining that there are always two sides to every story, and endless possibilities on how to proceed from here. It might break your brain with indecision about what you would’ve done.

Honorable mention: Death Becomes Her, for your desire to remain forever young and beautiful

Scorpio: The Devil Wears Prada

To be honest, The Devil Wears Prada belongs to all of us. But if it’s going to go to someone, it should be Scorpio. For one, Miranda Priestly is rumored to be based on Vogue’s editor-in-chief, Anna Wintour, a real-life Scorpio sun/Aries moon. Scorpios are known for pushing personal boundaries and testing people to ensure loyalty (Your boyfriend’s birthday isn’t more important than this job, right?). They can come off as intimidating, dominating, and steely, especially to newcomers (“You have no style…”). They’re strong, fierce competitors with hidden sensitivity (the no-makeup scene!!). Ahem, Miranda Priestly.

Sagittarius: Mamma Mia

You fun bitch! Of COURSE you’re Mamma Mia! I love that this movie was Meryl doing a fun one for herself as a break from bummer ass dramas that Sagittarians wouldn’t want to sit through anyways! I feel strongly that Meryl’s character is a Sagittarius sun, Leo moon. She’s free spirited as hell, fun, extremely independent, and avoids relying on men like the plague (Use them to produce a single female heir and leave, ladies!). She’s got vibrant, cheery fire sign energy, and knows how to work a stage! She also possesses the Sagittarian spirit of adventure, to go where life takes you and laugh along the way! And she sings fucking ABBA! Sagittarius, go watch Mamma Mia today -you won’t regret it.

Capricorn: Doubt

Authority. Precision. Adherence to tradition. Severity. Certainty in yourself above all. These are aspects of Meryl’s character Sister Aloysius, the strict school principal at a 1964 Catholic school, but also of the sign Capricorn. Doubt is an intense drama in which Sister Aloysius places suspicion on the school priest’s relationship with the first black boy ever admitted to the school. Seeing as Capricorn will only accept the very best, every actor in it is incredible (Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Adams, Viola Davis).

Aquarius: Ricki and the Flash

Ricki’s not like other moms… She’s a cool mom. Just kidding, she’s actually a pretty fucking messy character, so just a reminder that I’m saying Aquarians should watch this movie. Ricki left her family and children to pursue a life as a rockstar, and has come home to try to reestablish relationships with them now that her husband has remarried and her adult children are going through some big problems. Throughout the movie, Ricki is a foot-in-mouth-honest free spirit. Half the movie feels like a 10pm Thursday night bar show, and half of it is dark family drama. Honestly, I’m picking this for Aquarius because it’s such a fucking random movie for Meryl Streep to do. I mean, she’s Meryl fucking Streep. She doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Why did she do Hope Springs? It must’ve just been for fun, right? This movie falls into the same category of WTF Meryl?? Films that only Aquarians ever remember. An Aquarius will remind you that Meryl was once in a movie called The Ant Bully. Aquarius made the picture of Meryl and Cher kissing at the Mamma Mia 2 premiere the background of their phone. Aquarius knows about the random shit, the forgotten projects, the ones where you see the poster and you’re like, “Oh yeah, doesn’t she sing Lady Gaga in that one? Weird.” That’s Ricki and the Flash.

Pisces: Sophie’s Choice

Obviously, Sophie’s Choice is iconic. For those that have seen Sophie’s Choice, no judgements will be made on what Sophie did to survive the Holocaust; I’m not saying every Pisces would do what she did. But this movie is an exercise in empathy, Pisces’ forte. It asks you to try to understand what it’s like to make unimaginable decisions. Pisces is the sign most adept at stepping into another person’s shoes. Additionally, Pisces’ emotional barrier to the world is pretty thin; they often find themselves taking on the feelings and burdens of others, whether they’d like to or not. Sophie is endlessly caring and forgiving of her post-war boyfriend Nathan, in a way that only a water sign can love.