Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as Britney Spears Songs

Aries: Till The World Ends

Mark my words. In the apocalypse, every Aries would either be trying hopelessly to fight the end, or dancing ’til the world ends. More likely the second, and I know this for a fact because my Aries mother teaches Jazzercise. Aries is an active, energetic sign known for their delight in chasing an adventure high. Britney is going down shaking her ass at a rave in a black leather jacket, not hiding in a bunker. And yet, at the end, Brit survives! Aries is also renowned for their optimism - a happy ending for all!

Taurus: Stronger

Taurus can hold a grudge! In this video, Brit’s disappointment of a man has left her saying “Whatever…” and now she is fucking OVER it. Time for a chair dance in celebration of her independence! Taurus is a self-reliant earth sign known for being resourceful. Given their stubborn opinions, Taureans usually possess a clear sense of self. What I’m getting at here, is that Taureans are stronger than you!

Gemini: Gimme More

As the sign of the twins, Geminis are known for their duality, so it makes sense that they would be “Gimme More,” a banger in which Britney plays two different characters. In the classic music video dupe of Wearing A Wig, Blonde Britney innocently watches from the bar as Brunette Britney rocks a pole on stage. Clearly, Blonde Britney represents Gemini’s analytical, intellectual side, while Brunette Britney is an emblem of Gemini’s attention-seeking, sociable side. It’s Gemini, bitch.

Cancer: Baby One More Time

Baby Britney! Cancer is a sentimental, loving sign with a tendency for holding on - to memories, to nostalgia, to exes… In a breakup, chances are high that they still believe (still believe)!! Few things make a Cancer happier than feeling needed. Cancer is a nurturer that loves taking care of their partner, and in their romantic lives, they feel very deeply. Definitely one of the signs most likely to describe their pain by saying, “My loneliness is killing me.”

Leo: Circus

Do I even need to explain this? “All eyes on me in the center of the ring, just like a circus.” Leo is ruled by the sun. They’re literally the center of the solar system, and they demand to be treated as such in terms of respect and attention. They typically have a dramatic flair, be it creative or emotional, and Circus is debatably Britney’s most extravagant music video! With their authoritative nature, a Leo can command a room when they want to. As the king of the zodiac, they like to have things their way and dislike being bossed around. Ahem, “I’m like the ringleader. I call the shots.”

Virgo: Lucky

So much to unpack here. Virgos are the ultimate perfectionists; of course a Virgo’s alter ego would be someone who supposedly had everything together. Lucky is a fantastic music video in which Britney Spears is a famous, talented celeb haunted by loneliness at night! Virgo’s critical eye can at times lead them to pessimism! Their attention to detail can find fault where no one else can. “If there’s nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?”

Libra: Oops I Did It Again

Ruled by Venus, the planet of love and romance, Libra is the master of flirtation. But as a friendly, breezy air sign, they only mean it, like, 30% of the time or less. As diplomatic people pleasers, they can’t help but be nice to everyone they meet. As a result, they simply can’t avoid attracting unwanted crushes. Oops…! Libras also tend to be great with beauty and aesthetics, and this red jumpsuit is one of Britney’s most memorable fashion choices of all time.

Scorpio: Slumber Party

A full moon. A hazy mansion. Britney casually walks by a sword catcher into what appears to be an Eyes Wide Shut style party of semi-costumed people looking sexy and conveying steamy eye contact. Bubbles in the air. You’re confused, but aroused? Cut to Tinashe looking hot as fuck. An erotic scene commences between Britney and Tinashe and you’re fucking sold. You wonder why this song didn’t blow up the way it deserved to. This music video is chock full of Scorpio energy. Casual lingerie usage, confusing sexual energy, intense eye contact coming from every person who was paid to be part of this shoot. The most passionate, sexual sign in the zodiac is definitely Slumber Party.

Sagittarius: Toxic

Okay if you read my column, then you know that I literally said last week that if Scorpio was a phase in a Sagittarius’ life, it would be the Britney Spears era of “Toxic.” But I meant the phase then and I’m talking about the music video now. Let me live.

In the music video, Britney both hooks up with AND poisons someone on a plane! Sagittarius is the sign most closely associated with travel. The archer is known for wandering the world looking for new experiences and truths! Adventurous and daring, they’re definitely the sign most likely to be in the mile high club, and therefore most deserving of being crowned Toxic.

Capricorn: Work Bitch

Most likely sign to remind you that nothing in life is acquired without hard work? 1000% Capricorn. Capricorn is known for their ambition, work ethic, and strong self-discipline. Represented by the sea goat, Capricorn possesses natural talents for social climbing and making money. They pride themselves working hard, and loathe lazy, entitled people. To impress a Capricorn, you better work, bitch.

Aquarius: My Prerogative

Do you think you can tell an Aquarius what to do? You can’t, bitch! They live by their own rules! Aquarius is the sign of the iconoclast. They don’t mind going against the crowd, and they place a high value on honesty. This music video begins with Britney crashing a car into a pool while dramatically reading a voiceover that speaks to the Aquarian soul: “People can take everything away from you, but they can never take your truth. But the question is: can you handle mine?” She sounds like an Aquarius ranting to you about their latest political conspiracy theory.

Pisces: Sometimes

This video? Shot at the beach. Pisces is a water sign. This song? Pisces as fuck.

“Sometimes I run. Sometimes I hide. Sometimes I’m scared of you. But all I really want it to hold you tight, treat you right, be with you day and night. Baby, all I need is time.”

Are you kidding me?? We’ve got mentions of escapism, romance, and being wishy washy all in one chorus! Pisces is known for their huge capacity to love and feel, but as a mutable sign, they’re also marked with indecision! Pisces can also be prone to retreating into their private worlds when feeling emotionally drained or vulnerable. Sometimes they run, sometimes they hide.