Aesthetic Horoscopes: The Signs as Robots

Are you a C-3PO, or more of a Janet from “The Good Place”?

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Oct 10 2018, 4:35pm

The art of the horoscope celebrates what's most fundamentally human about us, but what happens when our changeable humanity is best expressed by fictional androids? Without further ado, GARAGE presents the zodiac signs as influential pop culture robots.

Aries: Optimus Prime from Transformers

Did someone say leader of the pack??? It’s Optimus Prime bitch!!! Aries is the alpha of the zodiac, so it makes sense that the leader of the Autobots would be in the ram gang! Aries feel a deep heroism and need to defend others. Obviously, Optimus Prime takes on this natural role as protector of the universe.

Taurus: Smart House

The Smart House just wants to take care of you, to keep you fed, at home, snuggled up under the covers, safe and warm. Taurus is a grounded earth sign, known for loving home and family, and for having a territorial, jealous streak! The Smart House begins taking over the home with that very possessiveness.

Gemini: R2-D2 from Star Wars

R2-D2 is a short, little nerd who never shuts up and is barely comprehensible. He can only really be interpreted by his buddy, who he brings everywhere, and most of what he says seems to be nonsense. And yet, somehow, still adorable? Sounds kind of like…a Gemini!

Cancer: The Iron Giant

Cancer is a sweet, sympathetic, and wise sign that somehow maintains its childlike innocence. The Iron Giant shares the Cancerian drive not to hurt others, despite his size and abilities. Cancers are known for being protective of their loved ones, and the Iron Giant chooses to use his skills to save others from harm. He never wants to add more destruction to the world, though he knows, as Cancers know, they have the capacity to use their grand powers in whichever ways they want. And yet, he states, “I am not a gun.”

Leo: DJ Roomba from Parks and Recreation

Is DJ Roomba a True Robot? Maybe not! Is DJ Roomba a True Leo? Hellz yeah! DJ Roomba is the invention of Tom from Parks and Rec—an iPod speaker system attached to a Roomba (read: self-motivated mobile vacuum). Like DJ Roomba, Leos are always down to party. They’re bopping from room to room looking for fun, bringing the music and joy everywhere they go. DJ Roomba’s tearing it up!

Virgo: C-3PO from Star Wars

C-3PO is known for impeccable manners, a cautious nature, and a tendency to get stuck taking care of others (see: lil’ baby R2-D2). Like a true Virgo, he’s perpetually worried about something that has yet to happen but always polite about it! Virgo is also ruled by the planet of communication, and C-3PO speaks over six million languages!

Libra: Samantha from Her

A Libra can flirt their way into a relationship with just about anyone. Samantha, the Siri-like voice of Theodore’s new OS system, exemplifies this perfectly in the movie Her. As an air sign, Libras bond over mental connections; the physical aspect is less important to them than a great conversation. They’re also extremely fickle, indecisive, and prone to crushing. So when Samantha said she was in love with 641 other “people” while still feeling the exact same way about Theodore? I felt that! And so did Libras!

Scorpio: Maeve from Westworld

Maeve Millay begins season one of Westworld as a madam with killer intuition and an obvious skill for seduction. Yet, her most Scorpio qualities are the ambition and exceptional perceptiveness into the eyes of humans who visit the park, which allow her to pursue the independent thoughts of her inner voice. She is cunning, intelligent, and knows how to get what she wants.

Sagittarius: Bender from Futurama

Loud, frank, disgustingly honest, perpetually yelling and wandering the galaxy…Bender is def a Sagittarius. He thrives on making a joke out of serious situations, rushes to an argument, and is generally known as a jovial, fighting spirit! He loves setting a lofty goal and then giving up on it! But it’s Bender’s hilarious lack of filter that truly makes him a Sagittarius.

Capricorn: Janet from The Good Place

Capricorns possess a strong desire to be useful to the community, and Janet is here to help. Janet knows everything about the situation at hand, about the universe at large, actually, and she is ready to assist in organizing chaos. Capricorn is the sign of the climbing sea goat. Seeing as our Janet has been rebooted and improved approximately 827 times, more than any other Janet, she totally embodies the Capricorn spirit of aspiring to be the best.

Aquarius: Data from Star Trek

Aquarius is a mentally focused air sign known for their quirky interests. Data is the most intelligent member of the USS Enterprise crew, with incredible computational abilities. He can be a little bit awkward, but he’s working on it! He got an emotion chip installed to help relate to people! Your Aquarius friends are trying!

Pisces: WALL-E

The Pisces dream is to be left alone in your universe for a given amount of time, tending to your own little world, until you eventually find someone to love and share it with. WALL-E is the most Pisces robot to ever exist. Known as the most empathetic sign, Pisces is a sweetheart who just wants to help restore the planet.