Photo via YouTube.

Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs As Mary-Kate and Ashley Movies

Are you "When in Rome," or "Passport to Paris"?

by Courtney Perkins
May 30 2019, 5:11pm

Photo via YouTube.

Gemini season marches on! Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are Gemini royalty. Like Gemini’s emblematic constellation, they’re actually twins. Although I just wanna say, I only now, like TODAY, learned that they’re fraternal twins. As in NOT identical. Can you believe?!

They worked nonstop making movies together basically from their birth in 1986-2004. Do the movies hold up? Not really! A lot of them throw out casually racist jokes and bits. Obviously, the child-age Olsen twins had nothing to do with the screenwriting of these movies, but it’s just… bad. It’s mainly the fashion choices, nostalgic scripts, and the Olsens’ precious charisma carrying these projects. So we’re going to walk down memory lane and enjoy that!

Aries: Switching Goals

In a classic 90’s plot, Mary Kate plays the ~sporty tomboy~ while Ashley plays the ~girly girl~ since the audience already knows, these two could never have anything in common! What I’m hearing: Aries-Libra sister signs. Their dad is a super sexist soccer coach who’s obsessed with winning, and crazy frustrated when he gets his loser GIRLY daughter on his team instead of the super athletic COOL one. Get over yourself, dad.

Taurus: When In Rome

Roma, Roma, Roma! Now sixteen, Mary-Kate and Ashley take on a summer internship at a fashion magazine, but quickly get fired. I would say this is a pretty run-of-the-mill Olsen plot, complete with foreign hotties, the Olsens being cute, and learning lessons. This one’s lesson is vaguely about responsibility, but most of the dialogue is about fashion and how beautiful Rome is. I’m cashing in on the Venus energy and calling this the Taurus pick. Who belongs in Italy more than a Taurus? Who would appreciate the clothes, the art, the food, the wine, the lifestyle, the siestas, MORE than a Taurus?

Gemini: Our Lips Are Sealed

You know that feeling when you’re literally in the Witness Protection Program because you’ve been threatened by killers but it’s just so juicy that you STILL can’t keep your mouth shut? In Our Lips Are Sealed, MK n Ash are sent to every location in the world under witness protection, but they keep voluntarily telling people why they’re there. If that’s not some Gemini gossip-spilling and shit-starting, I don’t know what is! Eventually, they’re sent to Australia and capture the bad guys but I mean come ON. Zip your lips, ladies!!!

Cancer: How the West Was Fun

Would you look at these precious little tots in their cowboy hats! They’re here to save the family farm! They accidentally get their dad fired and head to the dude ranch their late mother grew up on! I’m gonna level with you: this is 100% a children’s movie. It’s kind of boring. I get that. But this is PEAK Olsen cuteness. They’re fucking precious in this movie. You ever looked into a Cancer rising’s sweet face without thinking “Aww”? Ever seen a Cancer’s childhood photos? Plus, there’s a scene of a guy talking to himself in the bath, which feels very Cancerian. Water signs. Feelers. You get it.

Leo: Holiday in the Sun

More like FUN in the sun! Ahh, it’s the movie that always gets the Weezer song “Island in the Sun” stuck in your head. Megan Fox plays a hot alpha bitch, using a voice that sounds like she needs a humidifier. The whole thing is soaked in sunshine, set in the Bahamas, and mostly centers around them sneaking off to see boys. BUT, there’s a splash of Leo drama when we get to the… smuggled stolen artifacts?!?! You’ll have to watch to find out.

Virgo: Winning London

In Winning London, the ladies go to London for a MODEL U.N. competition! What’s more Virgo than MODEL U.N.? Backing up arguments with facts, taking a worldly approach, seeking solutions…. You know Virgos live for their well-prepared moment in this nerd world. Their style is at peak refinement, with peacoats and scarves to indicate their maturity. It’s very Virgo chic.

Libra: It Takes Two

This is essentially a wacky rom-com between Kirstie Alley and Steve Guttenberg, facilitated by MK n Ash. It’s honestly fun! Obviously the twins were separated at birth, run into each other at random, and swap places to make their parental figures fall in love - posh Ashley’s rich dad, and tomboy orphan Mary-Kate’s compassionate social worker, Kirstie Alley. Wow, that sentence was nuts. Accept it! Accept that Ashley has a ridiculous accent and her father just speaks with a normal American accent! Anyways. Like Libra, this movie believes in love, and loathes injustice (see: Ashley’s father’s evil fiancée!!!).

Scorpio: Double, Double, Toil and Trouble

Look Scorpio, you wouldn’t always get all of the Halloween movies if you didn’t have such a pronounced interest in all that is sinister in this world. In this one, the twins go up against their evil, magical aunt, who also somehow represents capitalism (mood). The word “moonstone” comes up 100 times in this movie. Characters are turned into turtles. It’s filled with Scorpio bait: fall decor, a vindictive witch, a dark familial history. Of all of the OLSEN TWIN MOVIES, this is the one that Goes There.

Sagittarius: Passport to Paris

Oh, NO, we’ve been sent to Paris! Passport To Paris follows middle-school cuties Melanie and Allyson Porter on a visit to hang out with their grandfather, the ambassador to France. Unfortunately, he’s a total stiff who enlists his assistant to watch them, so they spend most of their time sneaking around to hang out with two French boys. Ooh la la! Honestly, you really have to watch it to understand what’s so Sagittarius about it, but there is a HEAVY HAND when talking about the emphasis on spontaneity in this film. The ambassador needs to live a little. His assistant just needs to quit, lol. They’ve got that open, sometimes rude, Sagittarius honesty, blatantly chucking fine chef’s cuisine for McDonald’s. But the most Sagittarius moment comes when they pivot from party girl mode to scholarly mode and convince a French government official that he needs to invest in a clean water plan.

Capricorn: Billboard Dad

In Billboard Dad, MK n Ash play two chill-ass, Venice Beach future-stoners. One’s a diver and one’s a surfer. Life is good. The only thing bothering them? Their grieving father! Honestly they could be a little more sensitive but I get that they’re 10! Anyways, they decide to use a billboard to advertise what a catch he is. After all, he’s a successful artist! In Venice! This is the Capricorn MKA movie of choice because of the pragmatism of their plan. There are no big schemes, no international travel - just two daughters helping a father highlight what should be bullet-pointed on his dating profile. This is the kind of concrete, helpful love a Capricorn gives.

Aquarius: New York Minute

One sister’s a smartie on her way to Oxford! One sister’s a badass, sneaky rocker girl! It’s like they’re BOTH Aquarians who think they know best, outwitting all of their teachers in both the right and the wrong way! Mary-Kate stars as ROXY Ryan, the punk-rock school-skipper, so obviously she represents Aquarius’ rebel, anti-authoritarian side. Jane is an overachiever who reads more like the Aquarians you remember from high school debate. They get lost in New York and have some misadventures. Eugene Levy plays an adult narc.

Pisces: To Grandmother’s House We Go

Shouts to the Piscean children who don’t yet understand why pain is part of this world! This movie centers around the tots overhearing that their overworked single mother is desperate for a break from around-the-clock childcare. They decide to be “helpful” by sending themselves to their grandma’s house. But they’re tots! They don’t know directions! They get kidnapped! Hijinks ensue! Pisces is a sign of service; when they feel that someone’s struggling, they can’t help but want to help. A lot of signs would hear that their mother needs a break from them and take it to heart, but Pisces is like, “I understand why you said what you said, and I still love you. I’m disappearing for a few hours but we’ll reconnect later.”

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