I Believe Every Word of Grimes's Fitness Routine

Where's the joke?

by Emma Specter
|
Jul 16 2019, 3:51pm

Famously normal recording artist Grimes is in the fashion news spotlight of late, appearing as the face of Stella McCartney's new Adidas collection, which makes this a perfect time for her to share a few details of her famously normal life. (Tbh, I would read a daily newsletter devoted to the minutiae of Grimes and Elon's domestic exploits). Grimes took to Instagram on Monday to share excerpts from her discussion with Adidas about her "training regimen."

"I first maintain a healthy cellular routine where I maximize the function of my mitochondria with supplements such as NAD+, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Magnesium, etc. This helps promote ATP and it’s incredibly visceral. From that point I spend 2-4 hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to “astro-glide” to other dimensions - past, present, and future," Grimes told Adidas, which is probably intended to be a joke, but none of this is reading as remotely comical to me. This is the O.G. goth girlfriend, the woman who wore a Tesla choker to the Met Ball; it's not hard to believe that a deprivation tank is in her beauty arsenal.

Grimes also claims she sword-fights for 1 to 2 hours a day, which, again, is 100% in line with her big LARPer energy. Grimes and Elon truly are, to quote one of the most accurate tweets of our time, “that couple in high school that just, liked, meowed at each other," and that meowing couple was 100% on the fencing team.

The vaguely union-busting chanteuse also name-checks a "screaming session" and "experimental surgery that removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer" in her fitness routine, and, not to belabor the point, but what part of this is supposed to read as self-parody?

This whole Insta-post seems engineered for Grimes to poke fun at herself, but it just...ain't exactly it, chief. As someone who's served lunches in exactly one (1) comedy writer's room, I think I'm qualified to explain that in order for parody to succeed, it needs to veer away from reality at some point, but every word of this Instagram caption sounds like something Grimes might realistically do. All this post does, frankly, is make me want to sword-fight her.

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