All I Want Is a 'Freddy Got Fingered' Visor
And it's all Movie Promotional Merch Unlimited Twitter account's fault.
One of the things I miss most about my life before quarantine was the act of spending weekend afternoons in antique stores. I think I developed this behavior in college, but it really is a lifelong thing. Archiving the past is soothing. Every time I get incredibly anxious about something and have time to kill, I usually head over to an antique store and rifle through piles and piles of dusty shit that used to belong to someone who is probably dead. I look at old French courting couple lamps and imagine them sitting in my living room. I pick up comedy records from the '60s and think about whipping them out during a dinner party. For obvious reasons, I can’t do that anymore. There is no physical space for me to participate in this activity. All I have now is my phone.
I think it was something like my tenth hour on Twitter the day I saw a Von Dutch-style trucker hat in cornflower blue that said White Chicks on it. Obviously, I thought to myself, 'That White Chicks hat is perfect.' Could you imagine just owning something like that? Like, does anyone even know what White Chicks is about anymore? The whole thing was wildly 2004, which is the year that movie came out and also the height of the Von Dutch era. I opened up the photo and clicked on the account, Movie Promotional Merch Unlimited, and started scrolling further. A whole Twitter full of terrible movie merch, mostly from the '90s and the aughts. Everything on the account is totally awful, but also the greatest, and it represents what is truly the bottom of the barrel of movies that came out roughly twenty years ago. Scrolling through this account feels like walking through a bad estate sale. It is exactly what I needed right now.
Since my meet-cute with the account I have probably spent a grand total of eight hours mining content. There’s a promotional visor and a foam finger to celebrate the debut of the movie Freddy Got Fingered. My initial thought when seeing this Cheeto-colored visor is something along the lines of “Damn, can’t wait till quar is over so I can wear a visor on Brighton Beach,” but then my brain gear shifts and I start thinking about this movie. Like, what the hell was Freddy Got Fingered about? After doing the bare minimum amount of research, I realize that the movie is not really about anything and that it was universally panned. So many of the movies on this account are similarly obscure. There is a pair of Chronicles of Riddick goggles, but also a pen(?), and a literal rock that looks like a giant booger that says THE THING on it, to celebrate the movie Fantastic Four. Once again, I truthfully have no idea what either of these movies are about even though I have technically seen Fantastic Four. It doesn’t really matter what these movies are about. It really just matters what they represent, which is the complete and total void that plagued the cultural shift that manifested itself at the beginning of this century.
The most obvious question to ask when looking through this account is: why did someone think any of this merch was a good idea? What was so appealing to whomever worked on the promotional side of things to make, I don’t know, a “gold” keychain of Yoda, in anticipation of the second worst Star Wars movie of all time (The Phantom Menace). Who was the mastermind behind making a red lace thong as promo materials for John Tucker Must Die? Like seriously? Why! Some questions, I suppose, are best left unanswered. For now, all I can count on is that scrolling through this account will continue to work as an appropriate meal substitute for the hunger I have towards rifling through other people’s terrible, dusty garbage by rifling through... our culture's terrible, dusty garbage.