Fashion Horoscopes: Who to See at Coachella Based On Your Sign
Should you rock out to Childish Gambino, or Ariana Grande?
Aries: Bad Bunny
Aries, you’re at Coachella with the goal of leaving exhausted, dried up, bruised, with lost shoes, having been to the greatest and most thrilling concerts possible. Enter Bad Bunny, a 24 year old rapper from Puerto Rico regularly described as a “sensation.” You love his ’fits, you love his features, and now this is the kind of concert you’ve been craving: blood-pumping, joyful, fresh, danceable, energetic, exciting.
Taurus: Ty Segall & White Fence
Taurus, you’re not trying to accidentally get stuck behind two fifteen-year-olds grinding. You’re looking for the kind of audience where people are definitely jamming, and there’s head nodding happening, but we’re all still in our own personal bubbles. You want the crowd that smells like a jazz cigarette, if you know what I mean. Make your way over to Ty Segall & White Fence for some psychedelic/garage/surf rock and feel the sun on your face.
Gemini: Childish Gambino
At a festival, Gemini is the high school boy that’s way taller than the rest of the crowd, like kinda blocking your vision, that seems pretty bored and out of it while waiting for the concert to happen, but actually geeks out and knows all the words to every song once the music begins. Childish Gambino is a Libra, so already he’s a Gemini magnet. Factor in the wordplay, the alter ego, the cheeky lyrics, and the Geminis will come out to PLAY.
Cancer: Ariana Grande
Realistically, an Ariana Grande concert sounds kind of like a Cancerian hellscape. Too many people, too much physical contact with strangers, too sweaty and loud and uncomfortable, never any water. But when the concert begins and the infectious love songs start coming, dag nabbit, everyone’s got a soft spot for Ariana Grande. She’s so fuckin’ short, her voice is so high, and she sings to the heart! Looking back at the weekend though, you’ll probably think fondly on the concerts that felt most imaginative, sensual, or tapped into your nostalgia.
Leo, you are going to love soaking in the confidence bubble bath that is attending a Lizzo concert. You love a pep talk. You love a woman that knows what she wants. You love anything that makes you smile and shake your ass. So, obviously, you’ll have an amazing time dancing to “Tempo” and hearing your getting-ready-anthem “Good As Hell” live.
Virgo: Soccer Mommy
Virgo, do you LOVE festivals? Of course not! You kind of hate them! But Soccer Mommy is a show you can get down with. No one’s going to make you, like, jump and hurt your knees or something. The crowd here just wants to actually listen to what Sophie Allison a.k.a. Soccer Mommy has to say. Soccer Mommy makes soulful, personal, very Scorpio Rising music. Virgos have a tendency to process in private, to show logic and competency to the world, and then deal with whatever’s going on in their head on their own time. Self-described as “chill but kinda sad”, Soccer Mommy is a good soundtrack for that alone time. Also, she’s a Gemini so you’re both riddled with Mercury’s cruel anxieties!
Libra: Billie Eilish
Libra, you’re here for an easy, pleasant time with your friends, but you’re also not leaving without some shining happy group pictures, and incredible outfit documentation. Libras specialize in conflict solving, which is perhaps why they get along so well with zanier, wreckage-causing signs like Sagittarius (Billie), Gemini, Aries, and Leo. Libra, your FOMO will punish you if you miss out on Billie Eilish, the 17 year old hyperstylized wunderkind singer. Plus, you’ll love Billie’s edge, outspoken nature, and unique approach to what it means to be a teen pop sensation.
Scorpio, you’re upset Solange canceled. You know who’s upset with you? The crowd at H.E.R. The ideal Scorpio relaxation involves coming home to your loving couch, finding your libation of choice, and listening to music that speaks to the mood of the day - perhaps some calming R&B. You’ll love H.E.R.’s authenticity, sincerity, and raw talent. With a silky, emotive voice and honest lyrics, H.E.R. offers the kind of vulnerability and strength you require from every person who has earned a spot in your life.
Sagittarius, you came to have RAGE, to have fun, to do it all and see it all! You’re not trying to chill; you’re trying to EXPERIENCE! You’re doing the most to squeeze everyone you want to see into the schedule, and trying to play songs in the car on the way for your friends to convince them of why your show would be so much fun. A perfect release for all of this energy? BLACKPINK, an amazing K-pop girl group you’re about to add to all of your amped-up playlists.
Capricorn: Blood Orange
Look the real answer here is that Capricorn should see the one artist that convinced them the ticket value was worth it. After that, Capricorn should go to anyone written in the smallest possible lettering on the line-up, because we know exactly how much you’re going to hate trying to text your friend from the crowd at Ariana Grande. Take a chill moment and enjoy the sensual beats of Blood Orange, a fellow Capricorn.
Aquarius: Rico Nasty
Aquarius, your goal is to leave this weekend with a ton of new music. You’re progressive, you’ve already seen half the people on this lineup before at smaller concerts and venues, and as stoked as you are about the *NSYNC reunion happening on Ariana’s stage, it’s the earlier show times that you’re going to get more out of. Check out Rico Nasty. She’s a 21 year old rapper with fresh style, a biting swagger, and sharp, witty lyrics.
Pisces: Tame Impala
Pisces, you go with the flow when it comes to festivals. In general, you’re down to explore new music, follow your ears, check out the art installations, and make compromises on the line-up if you’re curious about who your friends want to see. But if anyone belongs in the Tame Impala crowd, it’s you, Pisces. Sure, you’ve astral projected to Lonerism stoned in your room, but NOW it’s time to let the vibrations wash over you from the comfort of an insane crowd. Time your drugs to hit at the same time as the set begins.