Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as Iconic Murder Scenes

It’s almost Halloween, and the question on everybody's mind is, “Who am I?” Not to worry: GARAGE is here to boil down the confusing, mystical zodiac for you once again, this time in terms of the unforgettable movie/TV murder scenes that keep us up at night.

Aries: Seven—“What’s in the box?”

Aries’s ultimate sin is WRATH! Aries is ruled by Mars, the planet of aggression and energy, so it makes sense that they would be the sign set up to symbolize anger. The movie Seven revolves around cops trying to track down a serial killer choosing his victims as emblems of the seven deadly sins. When the “John Doe” killer goes for the wife of Brad Pitt’s character, he intentionally manipulates him into becoming the representation of wrath as the cop cannot resist completing the final themed murder by shooting John Doe himself. Come on, what’s in the box?

Taurus: Fatal Attraction

Taurus is ruled by Venus, the planet of love, so obviously the sign should be symbolized by a crime of passion. Taurus’s murder scene of choice is the iconic bathtub scene from Fatal Attraction, in which the crazed Alex tries to kill the wife of a man she had an affair with, Dan. Taurus is a possessive and territorial sign prone to bouts of jealousy in romance, but what makes this a Taurus scene is that the finality of her death comes through the partnership of Dan and his wife Beth. Love wins, I guess?

Gemini: Split

BRB blaming my actions on my other personality! Gemini is symbolized by the twins and known for its duality. At best, this is an adaptable and charming personality; at worst, this is a person susceptible to powerful mood swings and changes of heart. The killer in the movie Split deals with such a severe multiple personality disorder that he has no memory of his killings, just like Geminis have no memories of the rude thing they said last night!

Cancer: Holes — “Kissin' Kate Barlow”

Romance and grudges and aesthetic lipsticks, oh my! Cancer is an extremely protective and romantic sign. They’ll do anything to defend their loved ones. Yet, despite their sentimentality, the crab hangs onto past injuries. When Kate’s beloved Sam is killed in Holes, she avenges him, goes on the run, and never looks back.

Leo: Pulp Fiction—“Say What Again”

“ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!”

Leos have a flair for the dramatic! This iconic Pulp Fiction scene includes the classic Leo loves of: theatricality, dominating a conversation, mentions of righteousness, an entertaining monologue, and loyalty above all! Samuel L. Jackson really takes what could’ve been a routine hit and has some fun with it here! Total Leo move!

Virgo: American Psycho—Huey Lewis scene

Don’t get me wrong, I believe Patrick Bateman himself to be a Capricorn, but this murder scene from the movie American Psycho screams Virgo. The attention to detail as he preps the apartment for cleanliness, the spouting of extremely specific Huey Lewis trivia with a timeline to back himself up, the fact that he’s murdering a coworker…it’s all there, and it’s all Virgo.

Libra: The Talented Mr. Ripley—Death of Dickie

Sometimes you love someone so much that you want to emulate them. Sometimes someone breaks up with you when you weren’t dating and then they call you boring, so you kill them on a boat in the Mediterranean. Libras pride themselves on their fun, social, interesting personalities, and prize love as a chief importance in their lives. Dickie never stood a chance.

Scorpio: Game of Thrones—Arya kills House Frey

Scorpios are believers in sweet, sweet revenge, and they’re not afraid to wait for the right moment. After Walder Frey killed her mother, brother, and brother’s pregnant fiancee at the Red Wedding, Arya Stark plotted killing Frey for years while she trained. But when she finally got her retribution, it was so much grander than anything Game of Thrones plans could’ve anticipated. Scorpios are extremists, and Arya didn’t just come for Walder Frey; she came for the whole house.

Sagittarius: Lord of the Rings—Death of Boromir

Sagittarius is idealistic to a fault, known for their desire to help humanity at large. They have active minds and fighter spirits. After Boromir is shot by an arrow in battle in The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, he continues fighting until the last breath. He manages to kill even more orcs while facing additional arrows, all in the hope that his friends will make it out alive! Sagittarius dreams big!

Capricorn: Fargo

You messed with their money? You couldn’t follow the simple fucking instructions? A Capricorn is fantasizing about killing you! Capricorn’s murder scene can be characterized by financial issues and seething rage at people’s inability to stick to the damn plan! Capricorns are also known for a trademark dark, sometimes sarcastic sense of humor, and Steve Buscemi somehow makes this murder scene funny!

Aquarius: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest—R.P. McMurphy Lobotomy

For an Aquarius, a lobotomy is a worse fate than death. Aquarius is an intellectual air sign that prides itself on its ability to think quickly, so losing the ability to mentally connect and joke around with other people is the ultimate doom. When Nurse Ratched gives R.P. McMurphy a lobotomy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, she issues the supreme destruction of his spirit. The only choice left is a mercy killing from Chief.

Pisces: Psycho shower scene

Pisces is the iconic shower scene in Hitchcock’s Psycho! This murder scene reeks of water sign emotional turmoil. Pisces are escapists, and Norman Bates has chosen to leave his reality behind in order to commit this act of murder. He retreats to his imagination, Pisces’s most powerful domain, to a world where his mother is still alive, and unfortunately, still judging him. Though he is at heart a sweet, sensitive man, his inner demons can consume him. Also: Janet Leigh.