Jeff Goldblum speaks onstage at the screening of 'Nashville' at the 2019 TCM 10th Annual Classic Film Festival on April 13, 2019 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Charley Gallay/Getty Images for TCM)

What Did Jeff Goldblum Lose In His Recent Hawaii Locker Theft?

Please, God, not the short-shorts.

by Emma Specter
|
Apr 30 2019, 3:56pm

Jeff Goldblum speaks onstage at the screening of 'Nashville' at the 2019 TCM 10th Annual Classic Film Festival on April 13, 2019 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Charley Gallay/Getty Images for TCM)

One might be tempted to believe that our noble king of 'fits, Jeff Goldblum, lives a completely charmed existence, but into every life a little rain must fall, even on the sandy shores of Waikiki: Goldblum filed a police report in Hawaii over the weekend after "personal items" were stolen from a locker at the Outrigger Canoe Club.

Goldblum is in Hawaii to play gigs in Oahu with his jazz band (yes, this absolute zad of zads is in a jazz band, are you really surprised?), but now, presumably, his vacation is now more of an investigation. In commiseration with his plight, we've rounded up the Goldblumtastic items that we pray weren't in the plundered locker.

The sparkly turtleneck

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Jeff Goldblum attends the 2019 Vanity Fair Oscar Party hosted by Radhika Jones (Photo by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images)

The glittery turtleneck Jeff Goldblum wore to the 2019 Vanity Fair Oscar Party has made an appearance on at least one other occasion (unless it has a doppleganger?). Let's pray Jeff is buying these babies in bulk.

The Prada short-shorts.

Goldblum appeared in Dazed's "The Meaning of Cult" issue wearing itty-bitty white shorts with an inseam of 1.6 inches, and I think I speak for Jeff-heads across the land when I say that if these shorts disappeared, my hopes and dreams went with them. Check out that thigh action! A-ooo-ga!

The pink aviators.

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Actors Jeff Goldblum and Hector Elizondo share a laugh after performing a few jazz pieces together at the Union Station foundation benefit in Pasadena, Saturday, August 11, 2001. (Photo by Robert Gauthier/Los Angeles Times via Getty Images)

Don't be tempted to dismiss Goldblum's chic as a recent development; he's looked so good for so long, dating back to his 2001 days palling around with fellow actor Hector Elizondo in a pair of bright pink aviators. Carrie Bradshaw could literally never in her entire fucking life.

The Sundance sweater.

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Jeff Goldblum of 'The Mountain' attends The IMDb Studio at Acura Festival Village on location at The 2019 Sundance Film Festival - Day 4 on January 28, 2019 in Park City, Utah. (Photo by Rich Polk/Getty Images for IMDb)

I'm pounding my clipboard! Did Online Ceramics make this for him? Will they make it again for me?

The teal YSL velvet suit.

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Jeff Goldblum (L) and Henry Golding attend the 2018 GQ Men of the Year Party at a private residence on December 6, 2018 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for GQ)

Good luck pawning this one on the DarkWeb, Hawaii thieves — this suit is so instantly recognizable as a Goldblumian indulgence, a pop of buttery aqua flair in a sea of drab navy (no offense, Henry Golding), that it might as well come with a serial number.

Tagged:
style
hawaii
Menswear
jeff goldblum
Theft
FITS