Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as 'Schitt's Creek' Characters

Are you Moira or David?

by Courtney Perkins
|
Aug 7 2019, 3:12pm

Aries: WENDY

  • Hires David when she knows she’s going to have beef with him
  • Not afraid of a workplace argument
  • Not afraid to make David WORK
  • Down to listen to new ideas and test things out = Aries fearlessness? Innovation?
  • Wearing her hot girl clothes as a senior

Taurus: DAVID

  • High standards for quality
  • Needs his correct face mask
  • Definitely doesn’t want to share
  • Does want to leave this party to take advantage of the queen size bed
  • Slow to trust in love
  • Always in simple, neutral, but luxXxe clothing
  • Doesn’t have much, but he does have his good taste
  • Virgo rising for the resting bitch face/general propensity to look at life as a series of problems
  • Leo moon for the dramatic emotional expression
  • Gemini: RAY

    • Has one hundred jobs because why not
    • Real estate? Travel agent? Town counselor? Estate sale auctioner? Photographer? Christmas tree salesman?
    • Sure, I could use a change of pace
    • Constantly casually roasting the Roses for being broke
    • Aka being a dick with a smile ;)
    • Good-humored, pretty funny guy
    • A true jack of all trades

    Cancer: JOCELYN

    • Sweet! Just trying to help!
    • Goes out of her way to make the Roses feel welcome
    • Regularly indulges Moira’s bullshit because she knows Moira needs it
    • Priority item at the estate sale? A high quality mattress
    • Loves organizing creative outlets for the community (Jazzagals, brings Moira into the school as an acting coach)
    • Sweet elementary school teacher in the streets, freak in the sheets

    Leo: MOIRA

    • Expressive as fuck
    • The world is her stage
    • Simply must stand out
    • Requires the finest things in life
    • PROUD, like too proud to take her sister’s money when they’re literally bankrupt and her sister owes her $50,000
    • Giving! LOVES a fundraiser! Wants to bestow her minions with her leftover furs!
    • Aquarius rising for the wigs
    • Aries moon for the uncontrollable bursts of emotion

    Virgo: PATRICK

    • Lil sweet face!
    • “Business major that wears straight-legged, mid-range denim”
    • Turns work-centric moments into romantic mush
    • Thoughtful and practical!
    • A take charge guy who takes charge of things in his life… okay Virgo go off! Control your destiny!
    • Tells David to “sit here and think about what [he’s] done”
    • We stan an earth sign romance

    Libra: ALEXIS, JOHNNY

    Alexis:

  • V a i n
  • F l a k y
  • F l i r t y
  • Alexis is textbook Libra, but like, the worst kind
  • Cannot handle being the bearer of bad news (said “Yes! A thousand times yes! …If I were staying” to mean “No” in response to a marriage proposal)
  • Constantly trying to escape her problems via relationships that she doesn’t actually care about
  • Lowkey very intelligent but presents as superficial (she speaks Arabic and it is almost never discussed??)
  • Sagittarius rising for the stories of waking up in foreign countries
  • Gemini moon for the flirting while feeling nothing ;)
  • Johnny:

    • Debonair! Always dressed impeccably!
    • Tries to help, intercede, and play the diplomat, but usually fails by being too vague or fake-nice until he explodes because people aren’t getting his point
    • Would rather spend money on having someone else do the grunt work
    • Speaking of which, did you know there are more Libra billionaires than any other sign?
    • Soothes the storm that is Moira, and waves a cordial hello to her collateral damage
    • Friendly, laid back, and generally optimistic, with a taste for nice things
    • Cancer rising for the sweet demeanor
    • Capricorn moon for the need to work/have status to feel good about himself

    Scorpio: MUTT

  • Sexy, mysterious vibe
  • Pushes Alexis to be honest
  • Big focus on how aUtHeNtIc he is
  • Catch him walking around town alone
  • Knows how to steep on an issue and mull things over
  • Hot. A really hot person. That’s like, his main thing.
  • Sagittarius: RONNIE

    • Blunt af
    • Has the confidence to rock the fur because, let’s face it, it suits her more than it does Jocelyn
    • The Jazzagals solo? Fire sign energy
    • Says things like “I can’t stomach the thought of Patrick’s team winning. The man looks like a thumb.”
    • Openly tells the Roses that they’re a pain in the ass
    • Frequently drops a hilarious line and walks away

    Capricorn: STEVIE

    • Dry af humor
    • The realistic foil to the Rose family’s audacity
    • Living reminder that yes, resources are limited, and these are the towels we have
    • Makes mature decisions (when David tried to sweep her away to New York to live with him? And she was like “wait… this would be really emotionally complicated and bad….”? Wise!)
    • Is over it

    Aquarius: ROLAND

    • Real life troll
    • Gonna do things his own way no matter what you think
    • True goal is always to make friends (always trying to get contracts signed at his home after a hang!)
    • Excited to pass the reefer at his luau
    • Weird but is also somehow always in control of the situation (fixed sign BDE??)

    Pisces: TED, TWYLA

    TED:

  • Smart and competent in his job / naive and delusional in his love life
  • Proposed after, what, two weeks?
  • Is a veterinarian = helps animals, empathetic to all of the world’s creatures
  • Pure-hearted!
  • TWYLA:

    • Sweet, friendly, and easygoing, with hints of spaciness
    • Accommodating, can blend in with any situation (see: Twyla standing there with a smile amidst Rose family fighting at Cafe Tropical)
    • Doesn’t know what she’s putting in today’s smoothie