'Little Women'? No Thanks, We Already Have the Kardashians

Sorry, Greta Gerwig, but the cultural vacuum has been filled.

by Emma Specter
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Aug 14 2019, 4:48pm

Greta Gerwig's hotly anticipated Little Women trailer finally dropped yesterday, giving influencers and their weird maiden aunts alike the Civil War-era fuel they'll need to sustain them until the movie's New Year's Day release. (Going into 2020 like it's 1868? Fuck me up, Greta!)

All in all, the movie looks pretty great—Emma Watson's terrible fauxmerican period accent aside—but the question still nags at me; do we really need a revamped Little Women in this, the epoch of the Kardashian? After all, each and every character in Louisa May Alcott's novel has an equal and opposite Kardashian kounterpart. Don't believe me? Let's go through it, sibling by sibling.

Meg March: Kim Kardashian.

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Unlike Meg, Kim may not be the oldest of her brood (that honor goes to Kourtney), but she's indubitably the spiritual leader of her pack, setting a tone that the siblings who come after her are forced to follow—or not.

Additionally, Kim and Meg both entered into somewhat scandalous marriages; Meg with her neighbor's older tutor, Mr. John Brooke, and Kim with none other than perpetual headline-creator Kanye West. When the March sisters fantasize about their "castles in the air," Meg's is full of luxury; however, she eventually comes to embrace a life of poverty. Nobody can call Kim's existence luxury-free, but she and Kanye have certainly gotten more pious of late.

Amy March: Kourtney Kardashian.

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Listen, being the hot sister is a real cross to bear! (Kylie and Kendall are part of the Next Jenneration, and thus, don't count for our analogical purposes.) Amy and Kourtney each do their part to reform their beloved bad boys—Theodore "Laurie" Laurence and Scott Disick, respectively—and after a party-girl period, they each eventually settle down to tend to their broods (although Amy only birthed one daughter, while Kourtney is the mother of three.)

Vengeance might be the term most commonly associated with Amy, thanks to that little book-burning episode, and Kourtney herself is no stranger to the art; why, just look at these 'revenge looks' she stepped out in after her relationship with Scott flamed out! Looking defiantly hot in public is absolutely the 2019 answer to setting your sister's manuscript alight.

Jo March: Khloe Kardashian.

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Funny? Check! Rebellious? Check! Kind of a bitch sometimes because she's unsure about her place in her family and in the world at large? Maj check!

It's hard on the soul, always being "the fun one," and while Khloe and Jo each provide necessary comic relief for their families, that doesn't mean they're not capable of feeling real emotion. Jo is broken-hearted when she has to reject Laurie, and Khloe exemplifies true pathos when not one, but two of her paramours on her. Still, they soldier on, because that's what "the fun one" does.

Beth March: Rob Kardashian.

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Bonus Round: Kris is clearly Marmee, particularly Gerwig's Laura Dern incarnation. Aunt March is obviously Kris's mom, Mary Jo Campbell (or "M.J."). Largely unseen paterfamilias Robert March hangs over everything in Little Women, as does legendary lawyer Robert Kardashian Sr. (same name, even!), and Laurie and Scott Disick share a certain esprit de fuckboy that cannot be denied.

Tagged:
movies
Kardashians
Greta Gerwig
little women