American Psycho, 2000. Image via Everett Collection.

Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as Horror Movie Villains

Don’t get mad, Libras, but you’re Rose Armitage from “Get Out.”

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Jul 19 2018, 4:14pm

American Psycho, 2000. Image via Everett Collection.

The dog days of summer are here; the days are muggy, long, and hazy; and you might be tempted to head to a remote cabin in the woods, maybe by a lake, maybe at a spot where a group of teenagers mysteriously disappeared ten years ago. I don’t need a crystal ball to tell you not to go, and no matter what, don’t ever say “I’ll be back in a minute,” or worse, show a new friend a photograph of your family—especially if you have children. For your horror-related astrology guidance, Courtney Perkins of @NotAllGeminis breaks down the signs as the genre’s best villains.

Aries: Jack Torrance from The Shining

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

Aries are impulsive, passionate people who follow whatever their most urgent instinct is at that moment. They love excitement and doing fun activities, like, you know, wintering in a hotel in the mountains! In The Shining, Jack Torrance switches from sweet father to lunatic pretty damn quickly. Aries are leaders who know how to command a room and make an entrance, and “Heeeeere’s Johnny!” is a pretty good one. Plus, have you ever seen the wild look an Aries gets in their eyes when they’re excited about something? Most of Jack Nicholson’s acting is just him balancing the inner fire. Definitely an Aries.

Image via Everett Collection.

Taurus: Jennifer from Jennifer’s Body

I’m just going to lay it out there: Taurus is definitely one of the horniest signs. Tauruses are ruled by Venus, the planet of love, and they’re an earth sign grounded in sensuality and material pleasures. Jennifer is gorgeous, a little bossy, and uses her sexuality to trap her victims—under the influence of demonic possession. But when Needy, played by Amanda Seyfried, accuses her of having never been a good friend, she retorts, “At least I’m consistent.” Taurus as fuck! Bonus points: Megan Fox herself is a Taurus!

Image via Everett Collection.

Gemini: Billy Loomis and Stu Macher from Scream

Gemini is a jokester who takes nothing seriously, ever, not even death! Naturally, they should be represented by the villains of one of the funniest thrillers ever. As the sign represented by twins, they are perpetually looking for their other half, so of course a Gemini would want a killing buddy. At worst, Gemini can be two-faced and romantically flighty, and Billy lies through his teeth for the entire movie, playing the role of Sidney’s boyfriend while gleefully destroying her life. Meanwhile, Stu is simply motivated by, I don’t know, peer pressure? Gemini, you fake bitch, you’re lucky we keep you around because you’re fun!

Image via Everett Collection.

Cancer: Norman Bates from Psycho

Cancer is the mother of the zodiac, known for their nurturing tendencies; they typically have a strong attachment to family and the home. You can see where I’m going with this. Norman Bates has the soft, sweet voice of a Cancer, with all of the mommy issues to match. He seems like a gentle person, but Cancerians are very secretive. They value privacy and keep their issues to themselves. Like, locked in another building. Dressed up in a dead woman’s clothing. That private.

Image via Everett Collection.

Leo: Pennywise from It

The costuming, the hair, the makeup, the legacy, the drama of it all—no one ever said that Leos hate making a scene. As a clown, Pennywise is a born performer, and Leo is a sign closely associated with self-expression, creativity, and individualism. Pennywise makes sure to achieve the maximum terror by altering his persona to the personality-specific fears of each child he terrorizes. This is not a one-size-fits-all villain. Leo knows how to play to their audience, even if “playing” is actually just haunting and killing.

Virgo: Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs

“I ate her liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

Virgos are known for their manners, class, analytical skills, and attention to detail. They’re also the most health-conscious sign, and what I’m seeing here is, well, cannibalism—but also some lean protein with a side of fine wine! Despite his horrifying crimes, Hannibal Lecter maintains a chillingly level head throughout his interactions with Clarice, psychoanalyzing her right back in true Virgo fashion. As a psychiatrist, he cannot turn off his brain, has a pronounced intelligence, and has the Virgoan meticulousness to pull it all off at the end.

©Universal Pictures, courtesy Everett Collection.

Libra: Rose Armitage from Get Out

First of all, hahahahahahahahahahaha. Libras are going to fight against this one so hard, but it’s true.

Libras are the sign of the scales and represent fairness and equality, so maybe they shouldn’t be exemplified by a villain whose primary sin is racism—truly contradictory values. But every villain on this list commits horrific acts, so let’s focus on Rose’s personality traits. She is conflict-averse to the very last second, has a victim complex, and swears that she’s not part of the problem. Babe, the keys? Libras can be very evasive about sharing their real opinion for the sake of maintaining likability. It’s is also the sign of partnership, and Rose hides her manipulation and true evil behind a facade of being a cute, loving girlfriend. They are known for their vanity and appreciation for beauty; Rose is gorgeous, and her favorite activities include selecting croissants and modeling for her hot boyfriend. Sorry Libra, but you’re Rose.

Image via Everett Collection.

Scorpio: Annie Wilkes from Misery

Possessive, obsessive, emotional, notices everything, not going to let you leave this bed—Annie is definitely a Scorpio. Her plan to trap Paul into rewriting her favorite fantasy novels to her liking indicate a methodical mind and a capacity to think ahead, while her bursts of rage suggest a Scorpio’s volatile emotional state. Under normal circumstances, most Scorpios have a skill for hiding their inner feelings from the outside world when upset, but when they blow up, they really blow up! Like, I don’t know, bash-your-legs-in blow up!

Image via Everett Collection.

Sagittarius: Jigsaw from Saw

“Do you want to play a game?”

Nothing frustrates a Sagittarius more than boredom. Sagittarius is the sign of the archer, eternally wandering the earth searching for the truth. They’re vibrant people who are passionate about life, so it makes sense that they would be represented by Jigsaw—a villain who despises hypocrisy and forces his victims to face the question of what they’re willing to sacrifice in order to live. Sagittarians encourage the people around them to take advantage of what life has to offer them: new experiences, new friendships, travel. A Sagittarius may not have the sadism within them to pull off a reverse bear trap.... But you better believe that the victims who survive Jigsaw’s custom-designed hell leave with a little more appreciation for the world they have at their fingertips, which is the essence of the Sagittarius spirit.

Capricorn: Patrick Bateman from American Psycho

Capricorns are known for their ambition in the workplace. They’re planners and go-getters who know how to get what they want. At times, this can make them calculating and cold. Patrick Bateman represents the Capricorn qualities of ruthless ambition, dedication to self improvement, and commitment to steady routines to improve their life (cough: shower scene). They have a keen eye for detail, and their high standards can make them judgmental. Yet the person they are always most critical of is themselves, and they hate nothing more than workplace disappointment. “Oh my God. It even has a watermark.”

Image via Everett Collection.

Aquarius: The Babadook from The Babadook

Obviously Aquarius is Gay Icon The Babadook. The horrors of the movie The Babadook include: the toll of having to take care of someone who sucks, on your own, without any help (that fucking kid, oh my GOD); the inability to confront grief; and psychological terror. Aquarius is a highly intellectual sign that can struggle with facing difficult inner emotions. They tend to fear burdening others with their emotions, and often prefer to be the confidante rather than the confider. The single mother in The Babadook continually pushes her own fight with depression aside, thinking that this is for the benefit of her son, but finds that doing so creates an entirely different monster.

Image via Everett Collection.

Pisces: Carrie White from Carrie

Pisces is an extremely empathetic and kind sign that loathes meanness, criticism, and those who needlessly hurt others’ feelings. They’re typically very patient with the people around them, as they try to see the motivations for others’ behaviors. To commit an act of violence, they really need to be pushed to the edge. Carrie is mercilessly bullied and manipulated by her peers and her mother alike before discovering her psychic powers and reaping her revenge. Between Carrie’s genuinely sweet soul and her connection to the spiritual world, she reflects many qualities of a Pisces.