Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as Cooking Shows

Aries: Iron Chef America

Iron Chef is not your run-of-the-mill game show of talented people competing against other equally talented people. To compete for Iron Chef, one must emphatically declare, “I could beat your ass!” to one of Kitchen Stadium’s resident Iron Chefs, and CHALLENGE them. The warlike Aries energy is palpable already! For an element of chaos, each episode holds a secret ingredient you may or may not have heard of, that the chefs must use in five dishes! Forty five minutes pass RAPIDLY when the whole show is produced with this much frantic passion, and frantic passion? That’s the Aries brand, baby.

Taurus: Fuck That’s Delicious

Taurus is a hedonist, a lover of pleasure and luxury. They want the best meal this city has to offer, whether it’s $5 or $500 (and don’t worry, Vice is footing the bill). “Fuck That’s Delicious” asks its audience to engage with their senses alongside the hilarious commentary of rapper Action Bronson, and Taurus is more than willing to oblige. Listen to his thick, New York accent as he poetically describes a perfect bite as an “eclipse of deliciousness”. FTD is best enjoyed high and peckish while deciding what to eat for your next meal, which is really Taurus’ ideal state anyways.

Gemini: Nailed It

Geminis can’t cook. I’m gonna say it. I heard my friends on the What’s Your Sign podcast talk about this and I agree. Geminis don’t have the patience to wait for a damn thing, let alone a beautiful meal. I know a lot of Geminis have Taurus and Cancer Venus placements, and you might think that would help, but those Geminis just spend more money on Postmates. Nailed It is a show that celebrates when the recipe doesn’t come out looking exactly like it was supposed to, complete with fun quips from Nicole Byer! One Gemini strength in the kitchen? Geminis know how to improvise!

Then again, thirty minutes is pretty long for a Gemini attention span. They’re equally likely to be found binging those addictive minute-long Tasty videos.

Cancer: Bon Appetit’s Gourmet Makes

Chef Claire! Chef Brad! In Bon Appetit’s Youtube series Gourmet Makes, chef Claire Saffitz attempts to recreate all of your favorite comfort snacks, without the preservative-laden ingredient lists. Claire is meticulous, measuring Starbursts with a ruler and cutting open Cheetos to see how big the air bubbles get. It’s the kind of quality assurance and care that a Cancer puts into a handwritten letter, a personalized playlist, or a nervous email to a boss.

Leo: Masterchef Junior

While Cancer rules over motherhood, Leo is the sign of children! Leo embodies all of the playfulness, goofiness, and joy of a precocious little child that’s too talented for their own good! Masterchef Junior is a battle of the country’s best chefs ages 8-13, judged by Gordon Ramsay, whose heart can be seen HARDENED at every other opportunity. This is much like the Leo Effect! People who don’t smile, smile at Leos! People who don’t like doling out compliments, will muster one up for a Leo! Leos are treated like the Masterchef Juniors of the world, and that’s okay, because they bring us equivalent amounts of youthful glee!

Virgo: Salt Acid Fat Heat

Virgos are smart. So when a Virgo wants to learn a new skill, they seek to fully understand it, not just show off flashy surface knowledge. Ask any Virgo who knows way too much about Excel or Photoshop because they put it on their resume ONCE and got scared they’d have to prove it. Salt Acid Fat Heat is not a guide to making recipes or really even preparing that much food; it’s a formula for cooking, and Virgo loves a formula. Give me directions please, I am so good at following them.

Libra: Great British Bake Off

It’s lovely! It’s friendly! It’s nice to watch! None of the judges are cartoonishly mean, but they are always fair and have something critical to say! Everyone’s dish is always examined (equitable!), unlike other cooking shows that only critique the top three best-looking dishes (unfair!). The contestants are sweet and mostly root for each other! Edible flowers are featured frequently! Great British Bake Off is the supportive, cordial, gorgeous baking show of your Libra dreams.

Scorpio: Cutthroat Kitchen

Chef Alton Brown describes Cutthroat Kitchen as “The game in which sabotage is not only encouraged, it’s for sale.” Four contestants are given $25,000 each at the beginning of the episode, which they can spend bidding on a series of “sabotages” for their fellow chefs - replace all your neighbor’s ingredients? Make them cook everything in Tupperware? This is Scorpio’s vengeful side at its most playful! Scorpio would ABSOLUTELY throw down a couple thou’ to watch their competition do everything on hard mode.

Sagittarius: Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown

Parts Unknown is equal parts educational and tantalizing. Anthony Bourdain travels to locations around the globe to eat with the locals, and talk about the issues that affect their diet and culture. Its premise is to “eat without prejudice.” Sagittarians will enjoy Bourdain’s philosophical questions over dinner, finding their wanderlust quenched and appreciating the cultural context of the food. When something sparks Sagittarius’ curiosity, they’ll keep asking questions until they feel that they truly understand something.

Capricorn: Top Chef

Capricorn is a cardinal sign, damnit! This sign signifies career growth, peak social status, and the drive to succeed through persistent daily actions! Because Capricorn has such a strong understanding of hierarchy, they’ll thrive in a competitive show that begins each season with sixteen contestants. Seagoats do best when they know who the person to beat is. And Capricorn WILL be Top Chef, Padma Lakshmi be damned!

Aquarius: Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives

When Guy Fieri, an Aquarius, set out to make Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives, he embarked on a search for the undiscovered, unconventional, and under-appreciated! Aquarians seeking novelty tune in to see all kinds of charming roadhouses, pubs, coffee shops, taco stands, BBQ shacks, and more. Guy Fieri isn’t your average food show host; his bleached tips stand out in the Food Network lineup, and that’s why Aquarians everywhere follow him as their roving mayor of Flavortown.

Pisces: Chef’s Table

Chef’s Table goes beyond the meal to the person behind the food! It’s beautifully shot, filled with vivid shots of both locations and dishes. It centers around a chef’s personal approach to the food, to dining as an experience, and to their city. Chef’s Table takes the Piscean approach to cooking shows! Go behind the surface! Make it personal! Add emotional stories of family and the people who raised you! Frame the shots cinematically! We’re getting artistic!