Dior hand-blown straws.

How to Hypebeast Your Way Through the Climate Apocalypse

It's happening, folks.

by Tatum Dooley
|
Aug 8 2019, 4:03pm

Dior hand-blown straws.

The earth is on fire. Thankfully, we’ve all come together to fight climate change by effectively banning plastic straws. Ditching plastic straws has caught on as the easiest possible way to feel like you’re fighting climate change while effectively doing nothing.

As the planet gradually and consistently warms up—something that is without a doubt the result of human activity—it’s important that we look ahead and make sure we look CUTE as the planet burns around us and we eventually meet our demise at the hands of our own inaction.

July was the hottest month on record, an upwards trend that is sure to continue. The rising temperatures and longer and hotter summers can only mean one thing: an extended BATHING SUIT SEASON. Start working on your summer bod now (which will come in handy when you have to scavenge for food and shelter during the apocalypse) and stock up on the cutest poolside looks.

Eternal Summer.

May we suggest this Forever21 “SUMMER,” Baywatch-inspired bathing suit and pretend that our love of fast fashion isn’t irrevocably contributing to climate change?

For only $790 you can look like a World Food Programme member courtesy of Balenciaga, which will put you in the goodwill of others and allow you to potentially escape natural disaster-related conflicts breaking out worldwide.

The 'Wet Look.'

As the Jonas Brothers once sang, “'I’ve been to the year 3000. Not much has changed, but they lived underwater.” It’s starting to look like their prediction will come true. To acclimatize to this change, the Supreme snorkel is the perfect choice to project to everyone your hypebeast status while also allowing you to breathe while doggy-paddling through the streets of Manhattan. Win-win!

The New York Times reported this week that, “17 countries around the world are currently under extremely high water stress, meaning they are using almost all the water they have, according to new World Resources Institute data published Tuesday.” Now’s a good time to start hoarding clean drinking water in your Goop-approved Rose Quartz water bottle and storing them in your bunker!

Make sure you slurp up every last drop of the remaining last 250ml of clean drinking water with this Dior hand-blown straw. Yum! In a pinch, you can always rig these finely crafted straws into a DIY blowgun to ward off any predators.

Hot, Hot, Hot.

The earth is literally on fire, but luckily for us, firefighter fashion is *in*. Personally, I’ll be sporting a Carhartt jacket I stole from an art handler (who I’m keeping around because their resourcefulness will be useful during armageddon.)

BONUS: Reading Material, Greta Thunberg’s “No One is Too Small to Make a Difference.”

At the end of a long day of fighting for survival, curl up beside the fire (naturally burning 24/7) with Greta Thurnburg’s latest book “No One is Too Small to Make a Difference,” and reminisce on why we didn’t do anything when there was still time. Haha, fashion!