Screengrab via Netflix.

Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as ‘Love Actually’ Characters

Everyone's secret favorite holiday movie is streaming on Netflix.

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Dec 3 2018, 4:04pm

Screengrab via Netflix.

Aries: Colin (Kris Marshall)

Aries is an impulsive sign that acts on whimsy and the feeling of the moment! Colin, “God of Sex,” a.k.a. the dude who flees to Wisconsin because British women won’t fuck him, is an Aries. The ram is known for its confidence, and how bold is it to assume that the problem the entire time could *NEVER* have been him? Instead, Colin thinks, “It must be the women! American women will surely fuck me!” and immediately buys a plane ticket to Wisconsin, where he is proved correct! That is fire sign energy.

Taurus: Sarah (Laura Linney) / Joe the Manager (Gregor Fisher)

Sarah: Real quick: we all refer to her character as just Laura Linney right? Like, no one actually calls her Sarah when they talk about this movie? Anyways, Taurus is a dependable sign that you can rely on to the end. Laura Linney was not going to abandon her brother. They can also be very shy in love! Laura Linney was not going to reveal her feelings. Taurus also resents change, and where do we find Laura Linney at the end of this movie? Unchanged. :/

Joe the Manager: Okay I just want to say who else but a Taurus would endure the comical abuse of Billy Mack in the name of loyalty? Loyalty and getting rich together = the Taurus dream!

Gemini: Natalie (Martine McCutcheon)

Sign most likely to ramble on and then say “fuck” the first time they meet their boss: Gemini. Natalie has all of the trademark signs of a Gemini: foot-in-mouth syndrome, chatty ’n’ flirty, confesses feelings via written card, clearly a ball of anxiety with a loud mouth, comic relief as hell! Natalie and the Prime Minister are a Gemini-Libra couple and I’m willing to fight about it.

Cancer: Jamie (Colin Firth)

Colin Firth, my boy, too sweet for this world. Jamie’s girlfriend cheats on him in the first ten minutes of the movie, and he dramatically decides to leave London to isolate himself and write a novel. Okay Cancer diva, go off with your feelings!! Come back with ART! Oh what’s that? There’s not actually a book because you were busy falling in love with someone you’ve never had a conversation with? Love transcends communication? A Cancer can intuit your emotions with their eyes!

Leo: Daniel (Liam Neeson) / Joanna (Olivia Olson)

Daniel: How does a Leo cope when they’re going through it? Answer: invests themselves into your love life. Leos are good natured and warm! They’re romantic, social creatures! They want the updates on your romantic life! Daniel is working through the loss of his wife, but keeping a sense of humor about him and distracting himself by helping his step-son Sam woo the girl of his dreams. Leos are also known for their high standards; Daniel will settle for nothing less than Claudia Schiffer as a rebound.

Joanna: My girl’s in sparkly jeans fucking crushing it at the elementary school recital like, one hour before she’s supposed to be on a cross continental flight. She’s got the little baby boys learning instruments in the hopes of gaining her affections. She’s a Leo.

Virgo: Karen (Emma Thompson)

Virgo moms keep a delightful sense of humor. Virgo moms will learn how to papier-mâché lobster heads for their kids’ Christmas play. Virgo moms don’t ask for much. Virgo is a helpful earth sign, and Karen, wife of evil cheater man Snape Alan Rickman, spends all of her time in this movie making life better for her husband and children! Maybe loving Joni Mitchell isn’t as flashy as wearing devil horns to the office Christmas party (???) but you could’ve had a lifetime of love and trust, Harry!

Libra: The Prime Minister (Hugh Grant) / Juliet (Keira Knightley)

The Prime Minister: Here we pick up part two of my thesis. Libras are diplomats, known for their fairness, tact, and charm. Ahem, prime minister. Libras are also fun-lovers and romantics; they will dance in this government building and they will knock on every door of this neighborhood to find their beloved! Plus, no one can navigate a social blunder like a Libra. A Libra knows that when you get caught making out at an inopportune moment, you can just smile and bow. The world loves you anyways.

I repeat: Natalie and the Prime Minister are a Gemini-Libra couple and I’m willing to fight about it.

Juliet: Keira Knightley’s oblivious ass is obviously a Libra. The Venus-ruled sign is lovable, lives for flirting and smiling at strangers, and inspires crushes everywhere they go. The Libra dream is to be shown a wedding video that both indicates clear love and is mostly designed to show off their look.

Scorpio: Karl (Rodrigo Santoro)

Mysterious. Sexy. Seductive. Secretive. Gave little to no indication that he was interested in Sarah at first, and then was suddenly very intense and horny about it. Can smooth out a rocky transition from Justin Timberlake to Norah Jones on the dance floor. Understands that life is full of interruptions and complications. Initially described by Alan Rickaman as “enigmatic.” Looks amazing in a turtleneck. Knows how to brood.

Sagittarius: Billy Mack (Bill Nighy)

Says whatever the fuck he’s thinking. Makes jokes about shit he’s probably not allowed to. Flirts with or fucks with every interviewer. Not afraid to perform nude. Folks, we’ve got a Sagittarius! Billy Mack is giving you the blunt and honest Sagittarian truth: “This is purely a money grab. The song is shit. I’m an old ex-heroin addict who only hangs out with my manager.” And who could begrudge him after that? No one! Because Sagittarians get away with absolutely everything!

Capricorn: Nancy the Caterer (Julia Davis)

Not having Colin’s jokes about the shrimp. Actually catered this event. Please go away.

Aquarius: Mark (Andrew Lincoln)

Mark’s aloof, rude ass is 5000% an Aquarius. So jovial and fun with his BFF Peter! Planned a whole goofy, but loving prank on him at his wedding just to make him smile with the power of music! Haha! Aquarians are fun! But then, with his beloved Juliet, he is restrained! Uncomfortable! Wants to leave! Secretly obsessed! Aquarians are a mental air sign that can struggle to embrace their emotions. Instead, they prefer to hold them tight to their chests! But underneath the occasionally distant demeanor, to them, you are perfect.

Pisces: Sam / Aurelia / Judy

Sam (Thomas Brodie-Sangster): A hopeless romantic, Pisces is definitely the sign most likely to use the phrase “the total agony of being in love,” while still in middle school. Would learn how to play the drums for you. Running to find you in the airport. Wants to get the shit kicked out of him by love.

Aurelia (Lucia Moniz): Aurelia, our Portuguese dream girl. This language barrier will never barr our love. Pisces is the sign most likely to get in the way of all of your work for the day, and then be granted easy forgiveness because they’re sweet.

Judy (Joanna Page): Um, okay, can we just talk about the moment when she’s like “All I want for Christmas, is you!” and it doesn’t even sound like a Mariah Carey diva moment, it’s just the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard in your life??? That was Pisces level sincerity in the delivery and for that, we thank you, Judy.

The Ultimate Question: Who is Bad Harry???

Alan Rickman’s character Harry is the ultimate toss-up. He cheats on Emma Thompson and ruins Christmas. I can’t pin him down. Could he be a Leo that couldn’t resist the attention? A Libra that got caught up in a casual workplace flirtation? Certainly isn’t a Scorpio, because a Scorpio could’ve gotten away with it. A cheating Gemini, leading his double life? Couldn’t be a Capricorn; a Capricorn wouldn’t care about their employees’ love lives. That critical eye could be a Virgo! Virgos get caught up in the workplace! I genuinely don’t know.