Photograph by Roger Kisby via Getty Images. 

Aesthetic Horoscopes: The Signs as Amy Winehouse Songs

The Virgo queen’s musical oeuvre contains a little something for everyone.

|
Sep 13 2018, 2:43pm

Photograph by Roger Kisby via Getty Images. 

Virgo season is here! In celebration, we must pay homage to one of the greatest artists of all time, an incredible singer born on September 14. Here are the zodiac signs as Amy Winehouse songs.

Aries: “Rehab”

Bold! Assertive! Knows they’re part of the problem but refuses to self-reflect! "Rehab" is an Aries. This song is stubborn to the end (no, no, no), and honestly just too impatient to go to rehab because she “ain’t got the time.” Aries are always flitting about! She has more important things to do than petty ol’ rehab!

Side note: Please go to rehab if people are telling you that you need to go to rehab.

Taurus: “What Is It About Men?”

Ruled by the planet Venus, Taurus is lover—“I’m nurturing, I just wanna do my thing.” Ruled by the element of earth, Taurus is slow and methodical in making changes to his or her life. They can get stuck in a rut when they start to take care of the wrong people for too long. In this song, Amy talks about the classic Taurus pitfall of putting up with scrubs (which they don't want none of, as TLC says.)

Gemini: “You Know I’m No Good”

Self destruction who? Gemini has the worst reputation in the zodiac for cheating, lying, and ruining relationships when they get bored. Is that reputation deserved? Not necessarily! But it exists, and they know why! In fact, they kind of blame you for trusting them to begin with! They told you they were no good from the start.

Fun fact: Amy Winehouse is a Gemini rising! Um, hello flirt!

Cancer: “Some Unholy War”

Cancer is the hopeless romantic of the zodiac, and would 100% go to battle for their love. This song compares Amy’s support for her man’s struggle to aiding him in an unholy war. Cancer is a very caring sign that gives their all to their romantic partners. They also hide a “strength [you] wouldn’t know” underneath their crab shell. Not a bad person to have beside you in a war!

Leo: “F*ck Me Pumps”

Leo, you are both the girl described in this song, dressed to the nines, arriving at the bar in fuck-me pumps, AND Amy Winehouse expressing her utmost contempt. Leos appreciate all that is glamorous in the world. They show up to events dressed to impress. Yet, this girl in the song is doing it WRONG. Leos are bossy about wanting to give you a makeover, and they’re witty enough to write these lyrics. Advice from Amy’s Venus and Mars in Leo: clean yourself up.

Virgo: “Tears Dry On Their Own”

Arguably the most “grown” sign! This song definitely signifies the way a Virgo handles a breakup. Go ahead and walk away, because their tears will dry on their own! They truly do not need you in their lives! Also, it is SO Virgo to finally realize how foolishly helpless their partner was only upon breaking up: “I cannot play myself again / I should just be my own best friend / Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men.”

Libra: “Me and Mr. Jones”

Alright, Libra, we get it! You’ve found a new love interest again! Cool! This song vacillates between “Nobody stands in between me and my man” and “Nowadays you don’t mean dick to me,” within three lines. If that’s not Libra indecision, I don’t know what is. As a flighty air sign determined to see everyone’s side of the story, Libras have a hard time making hard, final choices. Like whether or not to keep dating Nas.

Best lyric: "What kind of fuckery is this?"

Scorpio: “Back to Black”

Vengeful, brooding, sexy, stuck on their ex, only wears black…. Honey, we’ve got a Scorpio in the building! Scorpio is also the sign of death and extremes. This classic subject matter partners with Scorpio’s melodrama for the great lyric, “I died a hundred times.” Keep brooding, Scorp, you look hot doing it.

Sagittarius: “Addicted”

Easily Amy’s funniest song, "Addicted" talks about her frustration with friends that never bring their own weed to the hang. Though the title might suggest that this song talks about some of her darker demons, this is actually a very lighthearted song! Sagittarius is a sign known for their open sense of humor and honesty. They’ll tell you when it’s time for you to contribute to the weed fund.

Best lyric: “It’s got me addicted / does more than any dick did.”

Capricorn: “Love Is A Losing Game”

Listen. There’s no way around this. Capricorn is one of the most pessimistic signs, prone to bouts of isolation when stressed. Most likely to play "Love Is A Losing Game" on loop and immediately become jaded upon getting hurt: Capricorn. Yet this is also one of her greatest ballads, with lyrics that Cambridge dissected in a poetry class, that both Prince and George Michael called their favorite Amy Winehouse song. Capricorns are not represented by the goat—they’re represented by the sea goat. They’re complicated people that can swim to great depths within their emotions and then climb to great heights. Like George Michael’s BBC playlist.

Aquarius: “Help Yourself”

So independent! Aquarius is a sign that doesn’t enjoy taking help from other people, and while they’re happy to help others, they appreciate surrounding themselves with equally self-sufficient types. "Help Yourself" reflects this idea— “I can’t help you if you can’t help yourself.” Yet, it also refers to ideas that her romantic partner here is not “cleverer” than her. Aquarius is an air sign with an intellectual energy! So this dude needs to shut up about his degree in philosophy!

Pisces: “Valerie” / “To Know Him Is To Love Him” (cover)

Opening lyric of "Valerie": “Well sometimes, I go out by myself and I look across the water / and I think of all the things what to do, and in my head I paint a picture.” To me, this sounds like the classic, imaginative water sign Pisces recharging on their solo stroll for the evening!

Bonus cover: To Know Him Is To Love Him

This is the true Most Piscean Amy Winehouse Song, but unfortunately, it is a cover and I am a purist! Still, Amy did a lot to add her own spin so it still counts! Pisces have an open hearted generosity about the way they love. They can’t help but forgive and empathize!