Screengrab via Amazon.

Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs As Leonardo DiCaprio Roles

Are you Jack from ‘Titanic,’ or more of a Jay Gatsby?

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Nov 14 2018, 2:19pm

Screengrab via Amazon.

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Aries: Jordan Belfort from Wolf of Wall Street

Crazy. Bad bitch. Go-getter. Egotistical. Selfish as fuck. The sign of the self. All about the passion, the dancing, the fucking. Would throw these ridiculous parties in the office. Would also throw money at you while yelling to prove a point. Wants a yacht. Really thinks he drove home fine.

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Taurus: Hugh Glass from The Revenant

Can hold a fuckin’ grudge. Only really cares about three people in the world - his wife, his son, and the person who wronged him. The sign most connected to the physical world = the sign most likely to survive a bear fight. Proud and sensual = going to wear that damn fur coat because, well, survival can be soft too.

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Gemini: Frank Abagnale Jr. from Catch Me If You Can

Can play any role you give him. Will adjust his personality for what you need. Creative, clever lying that he’s basically proud of because it was so witty. Can get away with anything. Charming and flirty as fuck. Sign most likely to use a pack of cute flight attendants as the distraction to get away from a high pressure situation. Fake it ’til you make it gang.

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Cancer: Jack from Titanic

Dreamy artist that would die for you within a week of meeting you. Perishes into the sea where he can relate his emotional sensitivity to its turbulent waves. Naturally supports you body and soul while you bravely look out upon the ocean. Wants to draw you like one of his French girls.

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Leo: Howard Hughes from The Aviator

Dreaming bigger and bolder than you are, sweetie!! Fraternizes with Hollywood stars. Proud, controlling. The sign Leo wants to become an eccentric billionaire in order to purchase whatever they want, when they want, like for example, an airline! Would make charismatic jokes in a courtroom no matter how much anxiety he was feeling. Cares deeply about his reputation. Important that he’s the king of his empire, and actually, the king of the sky.

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Virgo: Cobb from Inception

A motherfucking intellectual. Specialized skill set that you need. Detail oriented as fuck. Sign most likely to be friends with Michael Caine’s judgy ass. Thinks he’s got his whole plan worked out. Simultaneously tormented and motivated by anxiety and guilt. Far too hard on himself. Mind is a war zone.

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Libra: Jay Gatsby from The Great Gatsby

Did it all for love. Would throw a freakin’ banger every night if it meant that their love interest would show up. Concerned with image and the way he’s perceived. Aspires to have many beautiful shirts. Charming as hell. Loves the thrill of the wind in his hair in a fun car!

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Scorpio: Billy from The Departed

Holds all of your secrets to the end. Willing to ride or die and fake going to prison for the cause. Involved in illegal activities basically from birth. Poker face king. Mr. Steal Your Girl. Doesn’t sleep. Constantly suspects everyone around them is lying.

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Sagittarius: Danny Archer from Blood Diamond

Worldly adventure Leo. Charming from the start, passionate to the end. Has a hot accent in a foreign country. Is a smuggler, which is admittedly bad boy job. Ultimately a good guy with a good heart that wishes the world was a better place - very Sagittarian.

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Capricorn: Frank Wheeler from Revolutionary Road

Ambitious about securing The Correct Life for his family, then immediately depressed by it. Primary struggle: mundanity and boredom with everyday life. Wants something bigger. Despite his objectively successful career and safe life choices, is not happy and it’s tearing his marriage apart. Sign that hides their damn business.

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Aquarius: Environmentalist Leo IRL

Alright, look. Don’t be mad here. No Leonardo DiCaprio role felt appropriate for Aquarius! Sometimes that happens! Sue me!

But you know what did feel appropriate? The role Leo is playing in his life right now as an activist! Aquarius is the sign of the revolutionary, the humanitarian, the progressive! At some point in Leonardo’s adulthood, he shifted from Ladies Man to Man Whose Current Pinned Tweet Mentions Jane Goodall. He’s actually done a lot for climate change with the DiCaprio Foundation! What is more Aquarian than wanting to change the world?

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Pisces: Romeo from Romeo + Juliet

Loved you the moment he saw you. Like Cancer, would die for this love. Can’t imagine a world without you. Omg, I know we just met, but still! Leo at his cutest, most youthful, and wide-eyed. Ample crying. The ~artsy version~ of Romeo and Juliet. Sign represented by two fish swimming in sync = um hello, aquarium scene??