Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as Martha Stewart Alpha Moves

Martha Stewart is an enigma: goddess of the home, businesswoman, former jailbird, and master of the roast (of both the oven and making-fun-of-celebrities variety). Her status remains secure in what has become a very crowded field for lifestyle brands, and that’s no accident. There’s an Martha Stewart alpha move for every sign, and Courtney Perkins of @NotAllGeminis lets us know which is which.

Aries: Mandatory 5 AM hikes for guests at her Maine mansion

Aries, the first sign of the zodiac, is an initiator who requires activity and stimulation. They’re known for having the energy and the sociability to lead a team, and Martha Stewart shows this passion for making things happen. Like a good billionaire, she has a home in Maine with a WASP-y name (Skylands), where in theory, she should be taking time off from her many pursuits. But she doesn’t. Instead, she invites guests over and forces them to join her on 5 AM hikes. In the past, she’s mentioned that she suffers from insomnia, and when the sun rises over those beautiful Maine mountains, it’s go time, baby. Oh, I’m sorry, you thought you were sleeping in on your vacation? Think again.

Taurus: Went to jail for insider trading, came out wealthier

Taurus is the sign of materialism, and oh boy, does Martha love her money. In fact, in 2004, she went to jail for five months after being caught insider trading! (Former FBI director James Comey prosecuted the case, which is probably the second most exciting thing in his career.) Her stockbroker had tipped her off that her shares in ImClone were about to drop in value, so she sold them for $230,000 one day before the FDA decision was announced. Even though she got caught, real friends help friends make money. Taurus keeps a tight, loyal inner circle. Shoutout to her broker Peter Bacanovic for trying. Fun bonus fact: her prison nickname was M. Diddy.

Gemini: Dumped Anthony Hopkins after getting creeped out by The Silence of the Lambs

Geminis can be flighty and indecisive in relationships. Kind of like when Martha Stewart dumped Anthony Hopkins, one of the biggest celebrities at the time, just because she saw The Silence of the Lambs and couldn’t shake the image of serial killer Hannibal Lecter from her mind. A-list actor recently nominated for an Oscar? Hmm. I don’t know, Martha muses. This two-hour movie sort of turned me off, so I think I can do better. I’m going to go date another billionaire (Charles Simonyi), but you’re doing sooo great! Hope you have a great life!

Cancer: The shadiest chocolate pie in the world

Cancer, the most domestic sign of the zodiac, is known for their love of home life, a good meal, and their kind, nurturing spirit. Yet Cancer tends to their grudges with just as much care as they give to their family and friends and perfectly manicured gardens. When Gwenyth Paltrow launched Goop in 2008, a clear knockoff of Martha Stewart Living with more avocados and rich people, Martha obviously noticed. She did a series of interviews implying that Gwenyth wasn’t “authentic,” stating, “If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.” Which is like…true, Stew. But the most Cancerian digs are the subtle ones, the ones that inform you that there’s beef without a direct callout. Martha Stewart’s most Cancer moment was releasing a recipe for chocolate pie in a post simply titled “Conscious Coupling,” mocking Gwenyth’s annoying announcement of her divorce, described as a “conscious uncoupling.” First of all, lol. Secondly, team Martha.

Leo: A beautiful friendship with Snoop Dogg

Everyone loves a Leo, and that includes our icon of the week, Martha Stewart, born August 3rd. She has a talent for getting along with a wide variety of people, bringing warmth to every interaction. One of Leo’s most compatible matches in the zodiac calendar is a Libra. Martha’s favorite Libra? Her good friend Snoop Dogg! After meeting in 2008, the two struck up a sense of camaraderie around roasting Justin Bieber and getting high together; they eventually brought one of the most beautiful friendships in history to TV on “Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party.” There’s nothing like the true understanding of a Leo-Libra love. Name a more powerful duo. I’ll wait.

Virgo: The death of Blake Lively’s Preserve

Virgos have a critical eye and high standards. When Blake Lively launched her lifestyle brand, Preserve, Martha took a look at it and immediately scoffed at Blake’s weak credentials. She could never hack it at Martha Stewart Living with a resume primarily listing “Gossip Girl” and “The Age of Adeline.” So Martha’s comments on the brand took a similar, albeit slightly more dismissive, note to her comments on Goop: “I mean, it’s stupid, she could be an actress! Why would you want to be me if you could be an actress?” Virgos have a knack for hurtfully pointing out the obvious in a way that is untouchable, because they’re always correct in their critiques. I mean, what is Blake going to say? She’s right. Preserve died. Martha lives on.

Libra: A long, unpredictable list of celebrity BFFs

Libra is a charmer, known for their ability to make conversation with just about anyone. You know who else can do that? Martha Stewart. You might think that a 76-year-old woman who lives for holiday decorations wouldn’t be tight with Usher, Lady Gaga, and of course, the aforementioned Libra BFF Snoop Dogg. And yet, the woman makes friends everywhere she goes! She blends right in at Comedy Central’s Roast of Justin Bieber, hanging with Jeff Ross, Shaq, and Hannibal Burress! What?! There she goes, displaying the excellent social skills of a Libra.

Scorpio: Brutally dunking on Jonathan Cheban

Scorpio is the sign of extremes, and when it comes to their relationships, they can be very hot and cold. They either feel very passionately about you or they do not give a fuck about you—and don’t really mind if you know that. Let it be known that Martha Stewart does not give a single fuck about Jonathan Cheban, close friend and leech of Kim Kardashian who masquerades as…someone who has a food Instagram? Honestly, he’s truly useless and you have no reason to know who he is.

When seated next to Cheban at dinner, Martha didn’t know either and chose to crowdsource her information by tweeting at the Daily Mail and MailOnline, “do you know this guy?? He says he is well known” complete with a close-up photo of him, right beside her. This is truly a next-level, Scorpionic sting.

Sagittarius: Roasting Justin Bieber and Bruce Willis like a Christmas ham

Sagittarius is honest and hilarious, known for their light-hearted nature and propensity for speaking their mind. With Martha Stewart’s moon in Sagittarius, it’s no wonder she’s been asked to join not one, but two of Comedy Central’s roasts. After crushing it at the Roast of Justin Bieber, she returned to roast Bruce Willis just this week! In perfect Sagittarian fashion, she gets away with ruthless insults by accompanying them with an effervescent laugh—and a plug for Martha Stewart linens.

Capricorn: First self-made female billionaire in the US

An often-forgotten fact is that Martha Stewart was the first self-made female billionaire in the United States! Suck it Kylie, Martha did this on her own! Capricorns are widely recognized for their ambition, work ethic, and knack for making money. In 2000, Martha hit billionaire status after taking her company, Martha Stewart Living Omnipedia, public only a year prior. The woman is the guardian of an empire. Behind that gorgeous Instagram feed and those impeccable baked goods is an incredibly hardworking woman with a strong business acumen.

Aquarius: The weirdest tweets (no, really)

Aquarius is an intellectual, an unconventional lover of the strange, and, of all of your friends, the most likely to stay up all night scrolling back to 2013 in Martha Stewart’s amazingly bizarre Twitter feed. The experimental punctuation of her earlier tweets are reminiscent of your Aquarius pals’ unexpected texting lingo, while her random shared facts and anecdotes indicate what a truly strange life she leads. Aquarius wants to talk about interesting subject matter, like the fact that “The head of the blue whale the largest animal that ever lived.” Wow, very cool, Martha. Much cooler than the boring small talk that Aquarians don’t put up with.

Pisces: The secret language of Martha Stewart’s pets

Pisces is a sweet, dreamy, spiritual sign that can be weighed down by the harsh realities of the world. They often find themselves escaping from negativity through isolation, and they need an endless, generous love to survive the world’s cruelties. File them under your friends who like animals more than people. Martha Stewart has several pets—her chow-chows (R.I.P. Ghenghis Khan), French bulldog, horses, birds, and countless farm animals. She has made up languages for each of these animals, and communicates with each of them in its own native, Stewart-designed tongue. Translation: no humans allowed!