Photo via IMDb.

Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as 'Pose' Characters

Are you Elektra Abundance, or Blanca Evangelista?

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Jun 11 2019, 5:33pm

Photo via IMDb.

Aries: Candy

Miss Candy! Candy is all fire! Her favorite classic Aries pastimes include innovating, talking trash, defying expectations, trying to fight Pray Tell, and dishing out roasts! Like a true Aries, Candy will not be led. When she grows weary of listening to Elektra’s shit, Candy says FUCK that and starts her own house.

Taurus: Aphrodite

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Photo via FX

She’s expensive! She’s stunning! She‘s a femme modeled after Venus herself! But more than that, Aphrodite is self-assured - the most important Taurean trait. Taurus is known for being good with money, but the better word for it would be value. A Taurus knows what’s worth shelling out for. Aphrodite is the one who convinces Elektra to prioritize herself, and spend her hard-earned money on the one thing she’s wanted since she was a little girl.

Gemini: Ricky

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Photo via FX

Speaking as both a Gemini and Gemini apologist, I feel no remorse in saying that Ricky is kind of a cheesy “u up?” Gemini fuckboy. It’s only been one season and he’s already put our sweet, sweet Damon through a few emotional ringers. Ricky embodies the light, flirtatious side of Gemini, complete with the negative consequences that tend to follow. He’s funny, naturally charming, and is still learning exactly when it’s appropriate to lie.

Cancer: Damon

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Photo via FX

Not a house mother, but Damon! Damon is the pure, sensitive, shy, dreamy lil Cancerian child of your dreams. He’s a creative powerhouse, and nothing is more joyful than watching him engage with his art! Like a Cancer, he’s smart with great instincts, but his sweetness, gentleness, and emotional side can make him vulnerable (see: Ricky). Also, Damon is clearly the mama’s boy from the start (sorry but Angel never had a chance!).

Leo: Pray Tell

The category is… LEO! Pray Tell is a lion, and the queer ball scene is his pride. He’s all life, color, extravagance, volume, and honesty. Leos assert dominance over their social scenes, and Pray Tell has clearly done that by becoming MC of the balls. He knows everyone, and is a friend to all (except you, Candy). He feels things potently, and possesses the Leo quality of protectiveness. He always looks out for Blanca, supports House Evangelista, and acts as a role model for the younger members of the house. But most importantly, Leo rules over creativity and pleasure, and there is no one more fun than Pray Tell!

Virgo: Patty

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Photo via FX

Patty does NOT want a life of expensive gowns and chit-chat with the Trumps. Patty wants a fucking dishwasher and a reliable husband. And she wants it yesterday. Away from all of New York’s glitz, Patty grounds us in the practical reality of suburban life - a world lightyears away from the ball scene. But that doesn’t make her uninteresting! Like a Virgo, Patty is whip-smart. She’s onto Stan before he’s even thought about covering his tracks. She holds her own with Matt, seeing right though his nefarious tricks. She’s critical, but justly and with reason! Very Virgo.

Libra: Angel

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Photo via FX

Libra, the sign most likely to see this and say, “Well of course, I’m an angel!” Angel’s Achilles heel is her romanticism. Of course she possesses the beauty, grace, and good taste of a Libra, but more importantly, she shares the deep need for love. Sure, she enjoys nice things, but Angel is far more concerned with what Stan can give her emotionally than what he can give her materially. She’s hooked on their connection, not the financial security he offers. Angel wants a boyfriend, not a sugar daddy.

Scorpio: Blanca Evangelista

Disclaimer: Of course I think Blanca has some Cancer placements. Of course. The Mother of the Year simply must have splashes of Cancer in her chart. But I maintain that Blanca is a Scorpio. She’s more assertive and thick-skinned to criticism, but equally protective, loyal, and emotionally complex. There’s a difference in leadership; the Cancer mother forgives all sins, while the Scorpio mother sees right through your shit, Lil Papi. Like a Scorpio, Blanca is an excellent judge of character, but also possesses a strong need for control. It’s what pushes her to leave House Abundance to begin with, and it’s what makes her set high expectations for the way her children will behave. Yet, the downside of this is Scorpio’s paranoia and jealousy, which is fully on display in Blanca’s interrogation of Ricky. Scorpios also lean towards a pessimistic view of reality, and Blanca makes sure that her children aren’t maintaining any illusions about the way the world works. But Blanca’s most Scorpio traits are her ferocious loyalty, devotion, intelligence, and drive.

Sagittarius: Lil Papi

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Photo via FX

Lil Papi’s here for a good time! He’s playful, friendly, and good-natured, typically found goofing around with Ricky and Damon. In true Sagittarius fashion, his hearing becomes more selective when house rules are recited to him, but archers aren’t meant to be constrained! His ultimate clash with Blanca comes from a place of defending his independence. While Blanca seeks obedience, Lil Papi believes in his right to make his money on his own terms. Sagittarians are used to self-reliance, and have a hard time submitting to the will of others.

Capricorn: Elektra Abundance

A Capricorn can help you find your abundance. Capricorns understand strategy, finance, and working with the capital you have. With a strong understanding of quality, they want only the best (see: royal finery straight out of a museum). Represented by the sea-goat, Capricorns can explore deep waters and climb to great heights, and possess the long-term vision and steadfastness to see a project through. Elektra Abundance amassed her wealth over the course of decades, as she made calculated, deliberate moves to ensure the safety of both herself and her house - and not without sacrifice. When personal warmth is lacking, Capricorn love can be felt materially, in the form of a roof over your head. Capricorn is also a sign that cares deeply about tradition, order, and respect for elders (see: “I do not GIVE you my permission!”). As a cardinal sign, Capricorn can always be noted for their alpha energy. Whether you notice the moves they’re making or not, a Capricorn always gets what they want in the end. And Elektra Abundance WILL come out on top.

Aquarius: Lulu

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Photo via FX

Get in girls, we’re breaking the wheel! Only ONE mother per household? I think not! Like Aquarius, Lulu is tired of the way things have been done in the past. Lulu sees a new future before her, one without a tyrannical leader. She dislikes answering to Elektra’s authority and seeks independence. Aquarians don’t respond well to limits, as they naturally want to push boundaries. They need freedom to play, explore, converse, express.

Pisces: Stan

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It’s not cheating if you’re in love with them both at the same time! In Stan, we see both the wonder and beauty of falling in love with a Pisces, as well as the dark side of the sign. At best, Pisceans are kind, compassionate, and selfless. We see this in Stan’s desire to take care of Angel, asking for a raise to support her. Yet, Pisces are escapists, and Stan struggles to navigate what happens upon leaving the private world of Angel’s apartment (see: the balls). He prefers to live in his desired reality, the in-between. Other Piscean traits include discomfort with corporate life, comfort with lying, fascination with artistry, desire to take on the burden of his loved ones, fixation with authenticity, and the fact that he never looks more like himself than when he’s gaping in loving awe at a beautiful woman.

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