Still from Britney Spears' "Toxic" video, screengrab via YouTube.

Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as Phases of Celebrity Sagittarians’ Lives

Celebrate Sag season by finding out whether you’re Britney Spears’ ‘Toxic’ phase or Janelle Monae’s suit moment.

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Dec 14 2018, 3:11pm

Still from Britney Spears' "Toxic" video, screengrab via YouTube.

It’s Sagittarius season! Sagittarius is a fire sign marked by an outspoken nature, love of learning, adaptability, optimism, and humor. Sagittarians’ natural curiosity can make them easily bored, as they crave new adventures and are always stretching their minds. They thrive on change and easily shed that which is no longer interesting or useful to them.

The result? Sagittarians go through huge phases! Think about Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, and Tyra Banks. From switching up their style to their musical intonation to their entire career focus, a Sagittarius refuses to become bored doing the same thing all of the time. Then, when they get bored of that phase, they move on to the next one. There’s always more to learn. Here are the zodiac signs as life phases that have been ditched by famous Sagittarians:

Aries: Miley Cyrus’s Bangerz

Loud, out there, wild, daring, a splash of controversy: Aries, if you were a famous Sagittarius phase, it would be Miley Cyrus’s random ass shock-loving persona circa Bangerz. This is the Miley who twerked on Robin Thicke and cried with a bold nip on a wrecking ball. Bangerz Miley was, like an Aries, exciting, fun-loving, spontaneous, and bold! She channeled that Mars energy in a lot of fights that year and had some dramatic moments before she pivoted to Malibu stoner girl.

Taurus: N/A

Look, Taurus doesn’t go through phases. Taureans are known for reliability and consistency above all. I tried to make it work, but it just won’t. When Sagittarius follows the direction of the wind, Taurus puts on a warm windbreaker and calls a Lyft to go home. Sagittarius is a flickering flame, while Taurus is immovable earth. This is not to say that Taureans are not fun or even reckless at times! Taurus is one of the most fun, luxury-indulging, pleasure-seeking signs of all! But they’re not known for their changeability. A Taurus knows what they like, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

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Gemini: Brangelina vs. Bradifer

(I don’t think Bradifer was ever a Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston couple name but just let me have this.) Like Sagittarius, Gemini is flirtatious, easily bored, and loves the drama. If Gemini was a phase of a famous Sagittarian’s life, it would be the 2005 shitshow love triangle of Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer Aniston. Gemini lives to have fun, to charm, to engage in consequence-free whimsy. You know who’s a Gemini? Angelina Jolie! You know who fucked on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! Gemini is the recklessness, the media circus, and the messy divorce that followed.

Cancer: Taylor Swift’s circa “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” cozy phase

Taylor Swift—in true, easily bored Sagittarius fashion—basically makes over her entire life every time she releases an album. I’d say Red is mostly remembered as her attempt to become a Kennedy with the whole bangs and red lipstick thing, but we never acknowledge the NEW GIRL FAKE NERDY COZY MOMENT ON “WE ARE NEVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER”! The music video features her on some blonde Zooey Deschanel bullshit with people dressed up as deer and shit, and this, here, is Cancer’s abandoned Sagittarius life phase. Cancer is a sweet sign that is domestic as hell and would do a music video in pajamas with their friends dressed up as cute animals.

Leo: Nelly Furtado going from free spirit to “Promiscuous”

Leos are warmhearted, generous souls. Still, they can’t help but love the spotlight—to wow, to excite, to make people happy! If a Leo was a famous Sagittarians’ life phase, it would be when Nelly Furtado rebranded as Super Hot and Really Tight With Timbaland. Before this phase, she was the “I’m Like a Bird” chick: Free People embodied. But when the album Loose came out? Oh, bitch! “Promiscuous”! “Maneater”! “Say It Right”! Nelly Furtado is suddenly a goddamn sex symbol at the club? This Sagittarius transformation has Leo energy.

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Virgo: DJ Khaled’s moment as King of Snapchat

Guys, why did we all care about the keys to having DJ Khaled’s life? He doesn’t even go down on his wife. Virgo is a sign that loves to give out advice. At best, they’re helpful, caring, and know how to make the lives of their loved ones easier. At worst, they nag and condescend because, face it, they do know better than you do. I think Virgos all around will agree with the classic DJ Khaled Snapchat key, “You gotta water your plants. Nobody can water them for you.”

Libra: Offset’s brief phase of trying to be a husband

Remember when Offset proposed to Cardi B on stage at a concert with an enormous ring? Remember when he cheated on her the first time and then Cardi, a member of the Libra community, defended him? Libras love LOVE. They’re the sign of partnership, so close personal relationships mean a lot to them. The excitement of falling in love is a Libra’s drug of choice. So, Libra, your abandoned Sagittarius life phase is Offset’s attempt to be a good husband to Cardi B.

Scorpio: Britney Spears phasing from lil' baby girl to Toxic

Scorpio, if you were any phase of a Sagittarius’s life, you would be the transition of Britney Spears from sexy schoolgirl to the 2001-2003 zone of “I’m A Slave 4 U” and “Toxic.” Scorpio is actually the sign of transformations! However, Scorpios approach transition differently than Sagittarius; rather than attach themselves to new interests, they [Cher from Clueless voice] makeover their souls. Britney channeled Scorpio energy when she ditched the cutesy thing and embarked on a new life as a total sex symbol.

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Sagittarius: Jonah Hill’s funny phase

Okay, it’s not that Jonah Hill is NOT funny anymore, but he’s focusing on drama! (Maniac was really good! I liked it!) Sagittarians get bored easily and thrive on challenges. They’re also known for being funny, forward, and goofy. My guess is that Jonah Hill simply got tired of exclusively doing comedies circa 2010 and, like a true Sagittarius, had to find a new interest.

Capricorn: Janelle Monae’s suit phase

So, Janelle Monae is still kind of in her suit phase—but much less so now, and also that’s the point. Capricorn is not a sign that goes through many phases. It’s basically the antithesis of a Sagittarius. Capricorn is pragmatic, reliable, and tends to go for the sure thing. Monae’s sure thing is wearing a bomb ass fucking suit. Still, as a Sagittarius, she couldn’t keep up with the exclusive commitment! She’s mixed up her wardrobe a lot more in recent years, compared to the way the suit used to be her signature! Capricorns have signatures.

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Aquarius: Hanoi Jane

TBTT to when Sagittarian Jane Fonda ended the Vietnam War! Aquarius is a rebel and a humanitarian, so, naturally, they would cosign Fonda’s phase as an anti-war activist. In the late ’60s, her image pivoted from hot blonde actress to politically active protestor, fighting for working mothers alongside the Black Panthers and for the rights of Native Americans before ultimately channeling her energy into the anti-Vietnam War movement. Aquarius is a sign that loves helping others and fighting the good fight. They’re progressive and value equality, so they would definitely join Fonda in condemning needless violence! But, like a true Sagittarius, the ’80s saw a new Jane: Exercise Jane.

Pisces: Christina Aguilera’s circa Back to Basics alter ego Baby Jane

Christina Aguilera is currently doing a no makeup, natural thing, but the Sagittarius icon has done teen pop princess, gotten dirrty, done burlesque, stripped down to just “Beautiful” and so much more! If Pisces were any of these style phases, they would be Aguilera’s alter ego Baby Jane. At the release of her album “Back to Basics,” Aguilera committed to red lipstick, platinum hair, 1960s pinup clothing, and retro love songs. If any sign can appreciate an aesthetic look and a nostalgic romantic outlook, it’s Pisces. Pisces is a sign known for their artistic, dreamy nature, so they fit right into Aguilera’s Marilyn Monroe-inspired looks from 2006. Pisces, go ahead and sit on the ground listening to records about romance like Christina on the “Ain’t No Other Man” cover.