Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as Rom-Com Villains
Which bad boy (or girl) are you?
Julia Roberts, the not-so-secret villain of My Best Friend's Wedding.
What makes a perfect romantic comedy villain? Evil one-liners? Hot outfits that scream “HATE THIS PERSON”? Or is it just anyone that stands in the way of true love, even the ones trying to find it for themselves? In this week's installment of Aesthetic Horoscopes, we're drawing zodiac inspiration from the movie characters you kind of love to hate.
Aries: Mia from Love Actually
Behold the woman who made a heartbroken Emma Thompson cry to Joni Mitchell on Christmas! That bitch is an Aries! (JK, the bitch responsible for Emma’s tears is Alan Rickman, but we’re going to focus on the person who wears devil horns to the holiday party.) Mia, assistant to Alan Rickman and bonafide go-getter, exudes Aries confidence and charisma! She knows what she wants and how to get it, and what she wants is to fuck her boss, Snape! She’s reckless, bold, and doesn’t care about the consequences! Aries are initiators, and despite Mia’s chaotic evil vibe, you can’t deny that the girl had a goal and made it happen.
Taurus: Julianne Potter from My Best Friend’s Wedding
In love with best friend? Check. Motivated by possessiveness and jealousy? Check. Desire skyrockets in accordance with unavailability? Check. Waited until very last minute to say something? Check. Gang, we’ve got ourselves a Taurus! In My Best Friend’s Wedding, childhood friends Julianne and Michael promise each other that if they’re both still single when they’re 28, they’ll get married. When Julianne gets an invitation to Michael’s wedding three weeks before her own 28th birthday, she freaks out about her fallback plan and tries to win him over. Taureans need a healthy amount of warning for schedule changes, and um, hello, three weeks is NOT enough time to find a new husband?? We’re going to need to stick to the original plan here. And no, Kimmy, you can’t have him—because he was mine first. Taurus doesn’t share.
Gemini: Daniel Cleaver from Bridget Jones’s Diary
Daniel Cleaver, the bad boy of ’90s British publishing, is obviously a Gemini. He is charming and snarky, flirting his way through the workday for a bit of fun and living a double life. Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the planet of words, wit, and communication, so it makes sense that, despite his boyish tendencies, he’s still killing it in the world of literature! Other things that make sense with Daniel Cleaver as a Gemini: loves sexting and lying, squirms when asked if he loves Bridget, and loves openly stunting on former enemies (see: being rude to Mark on mini-break).
Cancer: Gus from My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Would we really call Gus a villain? No. But he is an enemy of love and an antagonist, so he has a place on this list. Cancers place a high value on family and tradition, and all Gus wants is for Toula to marry a Greek man! Ian is toast! Why can’t she find herself a nice pita man to settle down with?! Gus also shares the Cancerian qualities of Taking It Personally, caring way too much about his Pantheon-style home, and ultimately being a sweet, sensitive, emotional man who just wants the best for his family.
Leo: Marianne from Easy A
Leo is a sign filled with charisma and influence. They love drama, social hierarchy, and making their opinions known! Enter: the bossy, righteous, scandal-loving Marianne of Easy A. Leos have a natural leadership ability, evident when Marianne takes over the high school crusade against our protagonist Olive. Yet, Leos act on their core beliefs. They can be traditionalists at times because they believe there is a “right” way for things to be done. Perhaps a godly way? Marianne’s natural glow, enthusiasm, and optimism pull followers in to help her take down Olive, and the effect could not be more Leo. She’s headstrong, domineering, and unshakably confident.
Virgo: Christian Thompson from The Devil Wears Prada
The evil of the Virgo villain is the looming idea that you could do better. The nightmare here is not lust or cheating, but rather, are you living up to your potential? Are you dating a man who can get you the new Harry Potters or a man with bedhead who feels wounded and ignored when you’re good at your job? Because a Virgo would remind you that your personality is the summation of the four people closest to you. Simon Baker’s Christian Thompson is obviously the superior choice to Adrian Grenier’s Nate. He’s hot, successful, well-connected, and actually thinks it’s cool that Andy is a career woman! Meanwhile, Nate is busy being unsupportive and whining about how she used to be nothing like the other girls (i.e. didn’t used to wear eyeliner, shocking!)
Libra: Tess from 27 Dresses
Can you imagine showing your Libra friend a PowerPoint citing the MLA sources of their personality traits? Because that’s exactly what Jane does in 27 Dresses to humiliate her sister, Tess, after Tess gets engaged to Jane’s boss/long time crush. Veganism and loving dogs = traits snatched from her fiancé! Libra is an adaptable air sign known for their people-pleasing, eye for beauty (this lace is from mom’s wedding dress!), and love of LOVE. Tess shares the Libra eagerness to fall in love quickly, shift around her personality to mold to her partner, and, at worst, act like a vain narcissist.
Scorpio: Kathryn from Cruel Intentions
Would we call Cruel Intentions a romantic comedy? I mean, no. But it’s funny and there are romantic plot lines, so go with me on this. Kathryn Merteuil is an essential in Scorpio history. She’s extremely intelligent, analytical, and manipulative. She has the classic Scorpio talent for revenge and control and uses her sexuality to get what she wants. She thrives in a world of secrecy and scheming. She’s also responsible for the sexual awakening of millions with the steaminess of this movie, and that is the most Scorpio trait of all.
Sagittarius: Aldous Snow from Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Fleeing your breakup? Feeling like tossing in some adventure and globetrotting? Get yourself a Sagittarius rom-com villain like Aldous Snow in Forgetting Sarah Marshall! Sagittarius doesn’t take things too seriously. This sign is loud, honest, funny, and up for anything. Most likely to steal your girl, release a song called ”Inside of You“ about her, and then mention that they don’t even see this new relationship as monogamous while at dinner with all parties present. Still, so fun while it’s happening, am I right?!
Capricorn: Warner from Legally Blonde
Capricorn is the most likely sign to dump you because law school is far away and you’re not exactly a Vanderbilt. Sure, they could make long distance work with you if they saw this as a long term investment, but Pooh Bear...what happens at Delta Nu stays at Delta Nu. Capricorn is a disciplined sign concerned with their greater goals, public image, and achievements. Warner is motivated by success and what other people can do for him—the worst failings of a Capricorn. He’s ambitious, and in order to make his Harvard dreams come true, he needs to be surrounded by the crème de la crème. He’s also a complete bonehead.
Aquarius: Ramona Flowers from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Look, everyone in Scott Pilgrim is a villain. Ramona is admittedly a lesser villain, but anyone who asks you to fight a bunch of people in order to date them does not have your best interests at heart. Ramona is aloof and mysterious and wields emotional distance as her weapon. She has a tough and independent exterior, flees relationships when they turn sour, and constantly dyes her hair in an unending attempt to determine her main personality. She displays Aquarian candor in her most villainous act: telling Scott that bread makes you fat.
Pisces: Tom from 500 Days of Summer
Pisces is a romantic that views the world through rose-colored glasses! They’re prone to idealizing the people who hurt them, and that’s why the Pisces rom-com villain of choice is Tom from 500 Days of Summer. Sure, he’s the protagonist, but he is also a total villain in that he, too, is an enemy of love! He never understood Summer! He just put her on a pedestal of coolness to worship and feel wounded by! That’s not love! Summer knows that’s not love! Is Tom malicious? No. Neither are Pisceans! But, both Tom and Pisces are blindly loyal sentimentalists, and Tom should really rethink why he’s choosing not to SEE Summer for who she is. Pisces is the villainous screenwriter of everyone Zooey Deschanel has ever played.