Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as Board Games
Are you Catan, or The Game of Life?
Megan Fox playing Pictionary on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, photo via YouTube.
Aries: Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes
Not exactly a board game, but definitely a game with Aries qualities. Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes is a bomb defusal game in which one person faces a screen with a ticking time bomb on it, and another person holds the manual to diffuse it. They must communicate in order for the defuser to cut wires, solve word games, and crack Morse code, all with an intense beeping sound happening in the background. The game has a lot in common with the sign of Aries: it’s fast-paced, extremist, induces a high heart, and it’s so much fun. This is the game for your Aries pals, who love high stake situations, the thrill of the moment, and the adrenaline rush of defusing the bomb at the very last moment!
Taurus: Settlers of Catan
For the sign that dreams of owning luxurious real estate! Catan is all about accumulating resources. Strategizing how to strike the best deals. Using 2 for 1 ports as consistent coupons. Beachfront property. Taurus is the sign of materialism and as a fixed sign, their job is to build and maintain empires! Taureans typically have a knack for making money and understanding the value of things. They love to spend it, so they’ve gotta find ways to make it somehow! Catan just makes sense to them.
Like Scrabble, but you get to yell and you don’t have to wait your turn! Mercury, the planet of words and communication, presides over the signs Gemini and Virgo, who reflect this energy back to the world in different ways. Gemini is Bananagrams; Virgo is Scrabble (more below). As an air sign, Gemini is quick, chatty, social, and prefers thinking about the immediate situation to long term planning - as opposed to Virgo’s skill for actually planning their lives and Scrabble placements. Virgo is a neat 15x15 grid; Gemini is chaotically trying to scrunch your board up on the table because you’re running out of room and wondering if you can get away with words in Urban Dictionary.
Cancer: The Game of Life
Cancer is a sign that thinks about long term deal breakers even as they swipe around on dating apps. Though they can sometimes get weighed down by their romanticism, they’re actually quite sensible and financially shrewd. Because they’re so family-oriented, they feel best in committed relationships, knowing what they can reliably count on to happen next in their lives. So, The Game of Life is the game for them. You get married, have children, and can own pets! Good Samaritan behavior is rewarded! It’s the Cancer dream!
Speed charades! Leo loves theater, drama, and pure fun! Leos are natural performers. They tend to be creative and performative, with a good sense of humor. Leo loves the spotlight, so when it shines on them during their turn in Guesstures (a.k.a. Charades but with prepared options), they run with it! They’ll do anything for a laugh, and anything to get you to guess their clue!
Returning to my Very Important Thesis Statement: Gemini and Virgo are two sides and the same Mercury-ruled coin, therefore Gemini is the chaos of Bananagrams, while Virgo is Scrabble. Virgo is an analytical, grounded earth sign; They’re far more likely to think two steps ahead about the consequences of where they place their words. Sure, Gemini will go for the triple word scores too, but how are they planning to do it? Because Virgos are angling for a specific one. Cutting their words a letter too short for you to take advantage of the other special tiles. Saving the 8 point letters for times when they can truly be of use. And a Virgo would never try to get away with a proper noun.
Libra: Apples to Apples
At its heart, Apples to Apples is a game about judgment and subjectivity, and who is a better judge than Libra? In Apples to Apples, players take turns acting as the presiding judge of the round (it’s only fair), while trying to match which “red apple” card (a noun/phrase) best describes the round’s “green apple” card (an adjective). It’s silly and fun and wordy - all words that actually describe Libra, a communicative, high-spirited air sign! Libra is also among the signs that would pick your red apple card because they can tell it’s yours and they want you to feel good about yourself. Or they have a crush on you. Whatever. It’s best enjoyed with larger groups at social gatherings, where Libra happily blends right in. Plus, at the end, some say that the green apples you won ultimately describe you, and who better to talk about yourself with than a Libra?
It was Miss Scarlet, in the billiard room, with the candlestick!
Clue is a murder mystery party board game practically designed for the Scorpio mind. Players must figure out which character is the game’s resident killer, and how they did it. Scorpios are analytical, suspicious, and love to decipher puzzles. They pick up on giveaways easily, and find it easy to read people. They can smell guilt like a cheap perfume. As the sign associated with death and rebirth, Scorpios are comfortable with all that is morbid and gritty in this world. They’ll also love the dark, brooding aesthetic and the movie spin off featuring Tim Curry!
Sagittarius: Ticket to Ride
Ticket to Ride is the game of dominating the world map via train, also known as strategizing your travel plans. You’re given train routes from city to city and asked to complete them with the corresponding cards. Ideally, to win Longest Train, you must figure out how to hit all of your destinations in the most concise way possible. Does this sound like a Sagittarius’ backpacking itinerary to you? Because it does to me. Plus, there are a ton of spin off versions with different maps and lands to explore! Want to see India by train? Now you can! Don’t forget to join Couchsurfing for the locations in between your destinations, Sagittarius.
Just wanna throw it out there that this is my favorite game and everyone should play it.
You thought I was going to say Monopoly didn’t you? I’ll bet you thought I was going to make Capricorn’s “I got my first full time job when I was eleven :/“ ass Monopoly! Well guess what? I’m not! Because Monopoly sucks and it’s time we stopped enabling it like that game was ever worth playing for five fucking hours!
Anyways, Capricorn is Risk. Ambitious, power hungry, seeking world domination. It just makes sense. Capricorn presides over career and status. They’re conscientious of the way they’re seen by society at large, and they want to be known as responsible, powerful figures. Capricorns will absolutely crush the political strategizing of Risk.
Aquarius: Smart Ass
For astrology’s intellectual! Smart Ass is similar to Trivial Pursuit in that the object of the game is to guess at facts and utilize your existing knowledge base, BUT, the structure of the game is a lot more fun, and better suited to the quick-thinking air sign that lives to call other people dumbasses. Smart Ass involves reading from cards with increasingly obvious clues to a Who, What, or Where question. However, any person can call out the answer once they know it, which adds the element of spontaneity and humor that Aquarius loves, rather than simply testing each other on facts. How smug will Aquarius feel when they are ultimately crowned the Smart Ass?
Pisces is the artist of the zodiac, duh! Pisces is known for their creative talent, so obviously this is the game for them. Pictionary involves guessing what your partner is drawing, and what could be more apt than trying to decipher the meaning of a Pisces’ art? Okay just kidding, but it’s true that Pisces are happiest when their natural creativity and imagination are being appreciated! They make take unusual approaches to drawing their words, and will remain silly, not competitive.