Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as Disney Channel Original Movies
Are you "The Cheetah Girls" or "Cadet Kelly"?
Photo via IMDb.
In Motocrossed, an angsty girl is upset that she’s being told she can’t participate in motocross racing like her brother because it’s too DANGEROUS and she’s just a delicate little woman whose frail wrists could never properly grip the handlebars of a motorbike. It’s not fair! So what does poor Andrea do? Pulls some Twelfth Night shit, cuts her hair, starts going by “Andie”, and pretends that she’s her brother Andrew for the big race, because she knows that she’s good enough to compete. Andie is the ultimate stubborn, thrill-seeking, determined, powerful Aries woman!
Taurus: Camp Rock
An earth sign that rocks!!! Get it?! Okay, but really, Taurus is one of the most grounded, down-to-earth signs of all. Camp Rock centers around the shy Mitchie as she attends a prestigious summer music camp that caters to wealthy, talented teens. Though very talented, Mitchie, a.k.a. Demi Lovato, struggles with confidence in her music and her feelings for Joe Jonas. Similarly, Taureans can be reserved about their love interests! A Taurus likes to come to a decision slowly, but surely. Taurus is also an industrious sign that puts dedication into their work (mostly so they can maximize their chill time when they’re off the clock). When Mitchie finally reveals her talent at the Final Jam, it’s very evident that she’s been working hard!
Gemini: Stuck in the Suburbs
Who loves celebrity culture more than a Gemini? Stuck in the Suburbs follows two girls who accidentally switch phones with their favorite famous singer (a young Taran Killam, lmao). The whole thing reeks of Mercury retrograde, which happens to be Gemini’s ruling planet - the confusion, communication mixups, and technology issues. Plus, they change the celeb’s entire look and ghost his assistant, and if that’s not chaotic Gemini energy, then I don’t know what is.
Cancer: The Cheetah Girls
“We are sisters. We stand together. We make up one big family though we don’t look the same.” Cancer deeply values their family, and treats their closest friends and significant other(s) as though they’re part of the pack. They’re very protective, and can be quite snippy when they feel like someone they love is being challenged! You can feel the depth of a Cancer’s love in The Cheetah Girls’ bond.
Leo: High School Musical
I mean, duh, right? Just… duh.
Leo does it BIG, loves drama and theater, and knows how to navigate a social scene. Leos reign supreme, and High School Musical is undoubtedly the DCOM to end all DCOMs. Leos would be the DCOM that was so successful it had two follow ups, one of which was released in theaters. Plus, Sharpay and Ryan Evans are obviously honorary Leos - bright, sunny, defensive, and prepared to shine. They’re the rulers of the stage and the cafeteria, here to protect what they love most: the high school musical, which they will not be replaced in. And yet, a Leo viewer will always root for Troy and Gabriella’s love.
Virgo: Read It And Weep
The Virgo nightmare: having all of their critical ass, shady thoughts published for the world to see. Read It And Weep follows Jamie, a freshman in high school who accidentally turns her diary in as an English assignment, which then wins a writing contest, which then gets published as a book. At that point, the people in her life start to realize that the adventures of her alter ego “Iz” are actually just Jamie shittalking them. Virgos are ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication, hence Jamie’s habit of writing everything down. Like Jamie, they’re very detail-oriented and can be quite shy. Virgos could probably take a lesson from Jamie and learn to apologize for saying some rude shit (even if it was correct).
Libra: Cadet Kelly
It’s hard being a fashionista at boot camp. Cadet Kelly follows the creative Kelly, a.k.a Hilary Duff, getting sent to her new stepfather’s military school. She struggles to fit in as she hates having to follow orders from her superior, the very severe Christy Carlson Romano. Libras are all about justice, and nothing alarms them more than unfair treatment - like the military bullshit CCR is serving up. Libras are also Venus-ruled and therefore very artistic and aesthetically-minded! Definitely most likely to sneak a scarf into their military uniform.
Bonus points: Hilary Duff is a Libra!
Scorpio: Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior
Like Wendy Wu, a Scorpio could kick your ass. Their version may be more emotional than physical, but Scorpios know how to fight. Wendy Wu follows Brenda Song as a teenage reincarnation of an ancient Buddhist warrior. Scorpios are ruled by Mars, the planet of passion, energy, and aggression, and by Pluto, the planet of transformations, destruction, and taboos. Wendy’s Mars energy is clear in that she is down to fight - whether it’s her competitor for Homecoming queen or the ancient evil Yan-Lo. The Pluto vibes come through with the spiritual connection to death and regeneration. Wendy definitely has the passionate, bold energy of a Scorpio!
Sagittarius: The Even Stevens Movie
Sagittarius, you are The Even Stevens Movie! You’re Louis Stevens’ lovable prankster ass regularly accidentally ruining his family’s life with a goofy grin on his face. You’re the wanderlust we feel looking at the island setting, as the Stevens travel to the fake island of Mandelino. You’re the never-ending hijinx. You’re pure fun.
Capricorn: Gotta Kick It Up
“Si se puede! Yes I can!” is a big Capricorn mood. The sea goat climbs! Capricorns are known for their ability to focus on a goal and work to achieve it, the way the dance team of Gotta Kick It Up does. Like the sign of Capricorn, the story’s obstacles are practical. The money isn’t there and the dance team needs a teacher sponsor if it’s going to happen. But the girls’ passion, determination, and ambition helps them make it to the dance tournament! Very Capricorn.
Aquarius: Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century
Aquarius, you’re the oddball of the zodiac calendar! Emotionally detached and extremely unique, you may sometimes feel like a bit of an alien yourself. In Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century, a thirteen year old girl who was raised on a space station is sent to live with her aunt on earth in the year 2049. On earth, people find her stories, her slang, and her outfits strange, but they ultimately come to love her! Like Zenon, Aquarius, we love you for how much you stand out!
Pisces: Alley Cats Strike
Hot take: Alley Cats Strike didn’t get the appreciation it deserved, and neither do Pisceans! This DCOM is about nostalgia-loving misfit teens who feel weirdly connected to bowling. Pisces is a creative and dreamy sign, and among the most likely to wear ’60’s clothes to middle school. But also, the Piscean sentimentality of this movie comes from the truly sweet love between a group of friends that care deeply for each other!