Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as Madonna Looks
Jul 31 2019, 5:27pm
Aries: Blonde Ambition tour cone bra
- Yes, THE Cone Bra
- Designed by her main bitch Jean Paul Gaultier
- Aries are innovators! Fuck your 1950’s norms!
- Get in the car, we’re revolutionizing underwear as outwear sweetie
Taurus: 1991 Academy Awards
- Rolled up to the Academy Awards wearing $20 million worth of Harry Winston diamonds and a fur stoll
- Yes honey, I’m expensive
- Big Marilyn Monroe vibe
- Yes honey, I’m a classic
Gemini: Hung Up Music Video
- Time goes by... so slowly… for those who have absolutely zero patience and need constant stimulation
- NO TIME TO HESITATE
- Ushered in a new reinvention: Madonna’s disco era
- Geminis need MOVEMENT and it better be FUN!
Cancer: 1992 Tiddies out for charity
- Cancer rules over the breasts so you know we’re going Tiddies Out for this look
- Wore this to a benefit for the American Foundation For AIDS Research
- Walked the runway in front of 6,000 with the tenacity of a Cancer
- Raised $750,000 so you KNOW she’s taking care of the community the way a mother crab would want her to
Leo: 1984 MTV Video Music Awards debut “Like A Virgin” performance
- Madonna’s debut and her quintessential look simply MUST belong to Leo, her zodiac sign!
- Was instantly famous after giving this performance
- Oozing with personality, bubbly smiles, and originality
- Immediately a unique, fresh face on the scene
Virgo: 1990 MTV Video Music Awards "Vogue" performance
- Pulled voguing from the queer underground scene in New York to the public eye (watch Pose on FX)
- Wearing what can only described as “finery” = reflection of Virgo’s elegant, refined taste
- It’s so obvious how much work and detail went into the perfect planning of this routine! The outfits! The choreography! The makeup! It’s iconic!
- Which makes sense, since Madonna’s dominant energy is actually Virgo! She’s a Virgo rising, moon, Mercury, and Pluto!
Libra: Material Girl Music Video
- When it comes to fashion, Libra is the ultimate Material Girl (sorry Taurus!)
- A lil tease balancing backup dancers and collecting gifts from suitors!
- The No Broke Boys anthem
- Perfect match for Libra’s high standards, light energy, fickle nature, and flirty vibe!
Scorpio: Papa Don’t Preach Music Video
- Italians Do It Better
- I feel like my argument could end here but I’ll continue
- Song/video itself challenges shitty patriarchal attitudes about teenage pregnancy; Scorpio is ALL about transformations of preexisting ideas, and holds a particular interest in sexual exploration
- Don’t preach at me Dad, I do what I want!
Sagittarius: 2001 Drowned World tour riding a mechanical bull
- It’s not a horse but we can still get down ;)
- “Did I say something wrong? Oops, I didn’t know I couldn’t talk about sex! Did I stay too long? Oops, I didn’t know I couldn’t speak my mind”
- Rihanna picture edit: This is the most Sagittarius shit I’ve ever seen in my life
- This song is a whole fuck-you defense of being able to say what you actually think, and not apologize for it, which is perfect for the most honest and blunt sign in the game
- Ends with her riding a mechanical bull, I mean come on
Capricorn: 2012 MDNA tour in Tel Aviv
- This is the Greatest Hits of outfits - it features a #tbt to her cone bra, her suit phase, pinstripes, and dramatic gloves!
- Thorough! Comprehensive!
- But with an added layer of sophistication
- Still collaborating with Gaultier twenty years later because YEAH loyalty matters to both Leos and Capricorns
Aquarius: 1985 Desperately Seeking Susan
- Okay this movie is all about how her character is so unique that she’s incredibly easy to obsess over, as exemplified by a scene of her being stalked as she successfully thrifts some rhinestone-covered boots by simply exchanging the JACKET OFF OF HER BACK?
- Does anyone love thrifting as much as an Aquarius?! It’s a stylish form of recycling that ensures no one will ever be able to copy your look!
- Madonna’s first acting role, a.k.a. “I’m bored of being the Queen of Pop, time to try something else”
- Aquarians always crave novelty!
Pisces: 2018 Heavenly Bodies Met Gala
- You know I had to include this look from the 2018 Met Gala, themed “Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination”
- Pisces is easily the most spiritual of the signs
- Most connected to their dreams? Most likely to own a tarot deck? Most likely to join a cult?
- AND, among the most imaginative! Madonna may not always get it perfectly right, and you may not always want to steal her style, but she has always been a groundbreaker, and always been true to her own vision. The same can be said about Pisces! Their creativity drives them!