Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as Madonna Looks

by Courtney Perkins
Jul 31 2019, 5:27pm

Aries: Blonde Ambition tour cone bra

  • Yes, THE Cone Bra
  • Designed by her main bitch Jean Paul Gaultier
  • Aries are innovators! Fuck your 1950’s norms!
  • Get in the car, we’re revolutionizing underwear as outwear sweetie

Taurus: 1991 Academy Awards

  • Rolled up to the Academy Awards wearing $20 million worth of Harry Winston diamonds and a fur stoll
  • Yes honey, I’m expensive
  • Big Marilyn Monroe vibe
  • Yes honey, I’m a classic

Gemini: Hung Up Music Video

  • Time goes by... so slowly… for those who have absolutely zero patience and need constant stimulation
  • Ushered in a new reinvention: Madonna’s disco era
  • Geminis need MOVEMENT and it better be FUN!

Cancer: 1992 Tiddies out for charity

  • Cancer rules over the breasts so you know we’re going Tiddies Out for this look
  • Wore this to a benefit for the American Foundation For AIDS Research
  • Walked the runway in front of 6,000 with the tenacity of a Cancer
  • Raised $750,000 so you KNOW she’s taking care of the community the way a mother crab would want her to

Leo: 1984 MTV Video Music Awards debut “Like A Virgin” performance

  • Madonna’s debut and her quintessential look simply MUST belong to Leo, her zodiac sign!
  • Was instantly famous after giving this performance
  • Oozing with personality, bubbly smiles, and originality
  • Immediately a unique, fresh face on the scene

Virgo: 1990 MTV Video Music Awards "Vogue" performance

  • Pulled voguing from the queer underground scene in New York to the public eye (watch Pose on FX)
  • Wearing what can only described as “finery” = reflection of Virgo’s elegant, refined taste
  • It’s so obvious how much work and detail went into the perfect planning of this routine! The outfits! The choreography! The makeup! It’s iconic!
  • Which makes sense, since Madonna’s dominant energy is actually Virgo! She’s a Virgo rising, moon, Mercury, and Pluto!

Libra: Material Girl Music Video

  • When it comes to fashion, Libra is the ultimate Material Girl (sorry Taurus!)
  • A lil tease balancing backup dancers and collecting gifts from suitors!
  • The No Broke Boys anthem
  • Perfect match for Libra’s high standards, light energy, fickle nature, and flirty vibe!

Scorpio: Papa Don’t Preach Music Video

  • Italians Do It Better
  • I feel like my argument could end here but I’ll continue
  • Song/video itself challenges shitty patriarchal attitudes about teenage pregnancy; Scorpio is ALL about transformations of preexisting ideas, and holds a particular interest in sexual exploration
  • Don’t preach at me Dad, I do what I want!

Sagittarius: 2001 Drowned World tour riding a mechanical bull

  • It’s not a horse but we can still get down ;)
  • “Did I say something wrong? Oops, I didn’t know I couldn’t talk about sex! Did I stay too long? Oops, I didn’t know I couldn’t speak my mind”
  • Rihanna picture edit: This is the most Sagittarius shit I’ve ever seen in my life
  • This song is a whole fuck-you defense of being able to say what you actually think, and not apologize for it, which is perfect for the most honest and blunt sign in the game
  • Ends with her riding a mechanical bull, I mean come on

Capricorn: 2012 MDNA tour in Tel Aviv

  • This is the Greatest Hits of outfits - it features a #tbt to her cone bra, her suit phase, pinstripes, and dramatic gloves!
  • Thorough! Comprehensive!
  • But with an added layer of sophistication
  • Still collaborating with Gaultier twenty years later because YEAH loyalty matters to both Leos and Capricorns

Aquarius: 1985 Desperately Seeking Susan

  • Okay this movie is all about how her character is so unique that she’s incredibly easy to obsess over, as exemplified by a scene of her being stalked as she successfully thrifts some rhinestone-covered boots by simply exchanging the JACKET OFF OF HER BACK?
  • Does anyone love thrifting as much as an Aquarius?! It’s a stylish form of recycling that ensures no one will ever be able to copy your look!
  • Madonna’s first acting role, a.k.a. “I’m bored of being the Queen of Pop, time to try something else”
  • Aquarians always crave novelty!

Pisces: 2018 Heavenly Bodies Met Gala

(Photo by Kevin Mazur/MG18/Getty Images for The Met Museum/Vogue)
  • You know I had to include this look from the 2018 Met Gala, themed “Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination”
  • Pisces is easily the most spiritual of the signs
  • Most connected to their dreams? Most likely to own a tarot deck? Most likely to join a cult?
  • AND, among the most imaginative! Madonna may not always get it perfectly right, and you may not always want to steal her style, but she has always been a groundbreaker, and always been true to her own vision. The same can be said about Pisces! Their creativity drives them!