Fashion Horoscopes: The Signs as Cartoon Characters That Made Us Gay
Are you a Smithers or a Spinelli?
Photo via Tumblr.
ARIES: Shego, Kim Possible
Shego is an Aries Venus‘s dream. The second she and Kim are in the same ROOM together, it’s GO time. Physical brawling, instantly. Wrestling on the ground. Making threats with a smirk on her face and a flip of her incredible hair. Honestly, with this set up, they basically ASKED me to write fan fiction about Shego and Kim Possible. Shego possesses Aries’ Chaotic Top energy.
TAURUS: Spinelli, Recess
Every Tumblr lesbian’s favorite 10-year-old to cosplay! Spinelli wears the same stubborn little grumpface that can be found in any Taurus’s childhood photo albums. She’s a tomboy with a love of WWE, beanies, and combat boots. Taureans are known for their authenticity; When entered into a beauty pageant, Spinelli wins for “being herself” after denouncing the facade on stage and replacing her updo with her signature beanie. Taurus lesbians shun your sham heteronormativity (looking at you, Ashleys)!!!
GEMINI: Jay, Big Mouth
Hey look, it’s Netflix’s favorite middle-school tornado of a human! Jay is a tiny Gemini ball of confusion. He’s willing to entertain every idea, fuck every pillow in the house, and try it all! After all, “a lip’s a lip!” There’s something about Jay’s boyish grossness that’s disarmingly innocent. You want to protect him from his terrible, repulsive brothers, and also kick him off of you like a dog humping your leg. That’s the love-hate line that Gemini walks, baby! Gemini tests your patience all day with crude jokes, mood swings, and attention seeking behaviors, only to hit you with a bout of sensitivity that makes you think, “Aww. I get it.”
CANCER: Raven, Teen Titans
So much about Raven says Cancer. She’s an introvert! A brooder! Mysterious! Intelligent! Mature! The most powerful Teen Titan, but chooses when to show that (ahem, Cancer’s quiet cardinal energy)! In Raven, we see the meditative, calmer side of Cancer, but as the child of a demon and a human, she’s had a tough life and can be quite moody and pessimistic at times. Yet, her powers are most potent when she’s tapping into her strong emotions, which is very Cancerian! My little elementary school heart had to crush!
LEO: Scar, The Lion King
Scar embodies so much of what a Leo loves: emoting, camp, a dramatic sigh + eye roll combo. Because a Leo always stands out, his bright green eyes and dark mane separate him from his brother Mufasa. As a naturally entertaining Leo, he’s full of excellent one-liners and wry sarcasm. He’s the leader of the pack amidst his hyena pals before anything even goes down with Mufasa. Though the ethics of coding a villainous character as gay are dubious (especially with Disney), the queer community has mostly embraced Scar. To be clear - Leos, you’re sardonic and theatrical, not murderous and sneaky.
VIRGO: Smithers, The Simpsons
Put Virgo in the number one slot for “Sign Most Likely To Fantasize About Their Work Superiors.” Smithers is a long suffering hard worker that craves the approval and love of his boss, the evil Mr. Burns. Secretly, he loves being the only person who can handle Mr. Burns’ callousness and ride out his moods - which is very Virgo. Sometimes Virgos like being around personality types that need to be catered to, because they’re so good at catering. They want to learn your game and be the most reliable, right-hand-man. Simply put, demanding people make them feel needed. Virgos can also suffer unlucky shyness in love; Smithers went through decades of hinting before finally confessing his love, only for it to be “awkward”! VIRGO!!!!!!!!!
LIBRA: Lola Bunny, Space Jam
I’m going to cut to the chase here. Lola Bunny is hot as fuck. Libra hot. No beastiality but uhh?? Her hotness transcends species! She struts into Space Jam and the world whistles! When Bugs Bunny has the audacity to call her “doll”, she fucking DUNKS on him, saying “Don’t ever call me doll” and embarrassing him in front of his boys. The whole thing has the vibe of cherry-emoji-Twitter and feels like watching your charming Libra friend getting hit on by a sloppy straight dude she’s not interested in.
SCORPIO: Marceline, Adventure Time
Ah, Marceline. Sad, dark, artistic, emo queen. Adventure Time’s vampire queen is all Scorpio. Marceline is simultaneously tender and aggressive. She’s highly independent and enjoys games. She’s known to shapeshift into a defensive monster when the people closest to her are threatened. She funnels her darkest feelings into artistic pursuits with her songwriting. Evolved Scorpio behavior! A bisexual icon!
But Princess Bubblegum… TBD…
SAGITTARIUS: Peppermint Patty, Peanuts
Peppermint Patty, your favorite pal! As a baseball star whose best friend refers to her as “sir”, Patty has baby butch energy. Like the sign Sagittarius, she’s outdoorsy, cheerful, and carefree! She’s constantly roasting “Chuck” with the brutal savagery of a Sagittarius. She feels that Snoopy, Charlie’s dog, understands her better than anyone else. She self-describes as an action person, saying “When nothing is moving, I feel low,” while strolling a carnival.
CAPRICORN: Li Shang, Mulan
Number one in his class. Powerful authority. No nonsense. Not easily impressed. Bisexual royalty! Shang possesses a Capricorn’s drive to succeed, serious disposition, confident leadership, and adherence to tradition. Per Capricorn’s core values, he feels a strong sense of duty. Per queer-baiting, his scenes with Ping (Mulan dressed as a man) are sexually charged as hell! And that’s before he realizes that she’s a woman who has snuck into the Chinese army to replace her father so he doesn’t have to live out his last years at war! He just thinks she’s the average shitty soldier, and perhaps aroused by her work ethic when she climbs to retrieve the arrow he shot and strives to become one of the best of the bunch. I mean, having that be the reason he gains interest in Ping is Capricorn as hell. And all of this is gay as hell! Shang will indeed make a man out of you.
AQUARIUS: Jane Lane, Daria
Jane Lane, the sardonic, edgy teenager whose sarcasm, dry responses, and scathing criticisms were the only to rival her best friend Daria’s. As a twosome, they are their high school’s chosen outcasts, with matching Doc Martens and matching superiority complexes. She’s an intellectual, frowning on her immature peers. Ahem, Aquarius! She gives off the general impression that she’s going to move to Seattle and follow Sleater-Kinney on tour.
PISCES: Stevonnie, Steven Universe
Stevonnie! Stevonnie is the fusion of Steven Universe and his human friend Connie. As Garnet says, “[Stevonnie is] not two people, or one, but an experience - and a good one at that!” Stevonnie is also a pretty revolutionary character in nonbinary representation on screen, notably using they/them pronouns, but the argument can be made that because Stevonnie is magically comprised of the distinct characters Steven and Connie, it’s not a perfect metaphor. Still, Stevonnie fucking rules and embodies so much that nonbinary people want to see on TV! They empower trans people to claim their pronouns, and normalize stubble and wide hips occurring simultaneously. But on to the actual personality of their character, and why they link to Pisces: Stevonnie’s personality flows through distinct moods depending on their surroundings. Friendly exuberance easily gives way to shyness and fear of attention. Stevonnie really is an experience! Tangentially, Pisces is a mutable water sign. They’re sensitive, sweet, and experience shifting emotions.